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I don't even know where to begin




So it has been a while since I posted anything, mostly because I was afraid that he would find my entries and read them, even though in reality I know that is very unlikely. Last week, while he (I can't call him DH because he isn't dear to me any more) was out of town on business, I got a letter from the mortgage company that they were going to accelerate into foreclosure (for the FOURTH TIME), a shut off notice for the electric, and a cancellation notice for the car insurance.


This is more than I can take. There have been other issues between us and we were struggling to remain a couple as it was, but I can't live like this any more. I accept my part in this; I did not insist on paying the bills together, I let him get away with things that I should not have, and I did not stand up to him to explain anything. I also have a bank account that I hid from him. However, even if we don't divorce, I do not want to live with him right now.


I met with a realtor yesterday, one of Dave's ELPs. He was very kind, I explained everything to him, and we looked over the house together. It needs a new roof which we could not qualify for financing for. There's a hole in the living room ceiling. The entire inside needs paint. And there's clutter, junk, STUFF everywhere that's got to go. The kind realtor suggested I call the bank and explain all this to them. So I did; we worked out a solution that will buy me another month to get things in order and get the house listed. I am overwhelmed with the thought of all the painting but my family has all said they will help. Husband will not do any of it, he says, he thinks the realtor is just trying to make more money.


I am just so overwhelmed. I need a dumpster to get all the trash out (he has hoarder tendencies). I have stuff I need to sell and I have no idea how much to ask. I need to get the paint and get working on it. And I need to figure out how to tell him I don't want to live with him right now.


I just want my life to be honest, above board, budgeted, and less painful. Is that too much to ask?



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Do you work? Are you going to be able to financially afford living on your own? Do you have any children? Can you live somewhere else to give you both space and to really think about what you want? 


Have you talked to an attorney for legal advice on going through a divorce/separation? 


Those are just some of my first questions for you to start thinking about.


I am sorry you are going through all of this. Hope you have a good support system in place to help through all of this change. 

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Sorry for all you are going through, it sounds overwhelming.  However, it sounds like you've made a decision to leave the spouse and get rid of the house so you have some goals to work toward.


Can you get the car insurance current?


Is there any equity in the house?  It almost sounds like you won't be able to save it from foreclosure.  Of course the more equity, the more it's worth trying to sell.


Can you work with the electric company to keep the power on?  It will be hard to work on the house in the dark.


It's hard to imagine where all your money has gone if nothing was being paid.  I'm guessing that's part of the issue in the marriage.


Do you have any family that would put you and the kids up for a few months to help you get on your feet?


Take care of yourself and be safe above all else.

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Sorry you are going through all this.   (The D in DH doesn't always mean "dear"!  *L*)


Can you live with out him?  Financially?  Emotionally?  Realistically?


A house that needs a new roof will sell for less, but the new owners can usually get a loan to cover those costs.  Can you clear the loan with what the relator thinks you can get for the house?  AFTER fees?


Can your family help with trucks or trailers to help get rid of the clutter?  Trips to the dump or renting a storage facility in his name and putting it there?  Hoaders tend to want to keep their "stuff".


Get online and look up the items you have to sell.  Ebay maybe.  Look at things that are close to what you have and then you will find a price (or sorts).  Is the desire to make the most money?  Or get rid of the stuff and make a little money if possible?  Because that will help you decide how to price them.


I think it would be difficult to paint if there is clutter in the way, so maybe start this weekend to get rid of the stuff, selling and tossing.  Then worry about paint and repairs when you can see the walls and the floor.  If the realtor is just "getting more money", then so are you.  They only get a percentage of what you sell the house for.


Have a plan, have somewhere to go, a way to get there, and a plan to get all your stuff BEFORE you tell DH that you are moving without him.  If possible, have that savings account ready to go, change your pay to direct deposit into it.  Review all the bills in your name and change that.... either the address, or get them out of your name.


You might try printing out that post to give him when you decide to tel him.  It's very clear, and explains some of the whys.... or as trite as it may sound, a "dear John" letter, allows you time to plan what to say and how, and allows you to get everything out.  Just remember, anything in writing can be used in court.  =0)  "Say it, Forget it... Write it, Regret it."


Good luck.  I think you will feel better once you get a plan.

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As of right now, everything except the house is current.  All of the kids are grown, so no worries there.  I'm not entirely certain that I can manage on my own, but I have been working on a budget to see if I can really do it.  I have a full time job, but I don't make a lot of money, and I'm not sure I could find a better one.  (I could, however, find a second one!)  I did talk to an attorney, several months ago, and the only issue he saw was whether my husband would demand to get back what he put into paying the mortgage.  Since I won't own the house any more, that will be a moot point.  (It's my house, I owned it prior to marriage, we have no assets in common save a joint checking account.)


I am feeling a little more hopeful this morning.  Thank you for your kind questions and advice.  There is just so much to think about.

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You have a lot going for you since you have a job, your kids are not dependent on you, and you don't have a lot of debt or financial entanglement with DH.  You can and will find a better paying job once you are free of the emotional and physical stress pulling you down.  Just living in clutter will drag you down, clearing that out will help immensely and like Momto6 says you need to get rid of stuff to get at those walls.

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OK, here's today's tasks:  Call city and arrange for dumpster.  That will come next Wednesday and be there for a week.  There is one completely empty room in my house, so today I can start moving stuff from the attic and making sell, donate, and trash piles.  Clear off really big items so I can photograph and list them.  Look on ebay for pricing.  I can do that much. 

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As in all difficult things, it's the "baby steps" in the right direction that will give you increasing confidence that you can make it through to the other side, and to a better day. I'm glad you can share the struggles here and vent when you need to. I pray you will find answers and ways to accomplish what you need to do. Be sure to take care of yourself (eat right, rest when you can, recharge your emotional batteries with healthy pursuits) and know that here you have support, friendship and genuine interest in your well-being.

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