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Thank God the holidays are over

Gelly

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Now that Christmas holiday is over and we are done traveling for a while (went to AZ to see DH's parents and just got home yesterday morning), I am back home and I guess back to some normalcy. But my motivation seems shot and I have been keeping to myself a lot more. I'm not using social media as much as I used to and I'm not going out of my way to text or call people or attend things. Our pregnancy seems to be on the rocks - the ultrasound a week and a half ago apparently showed the fetus was not as far along as we had calculated - 6wks not 8wks - and they couldn't see a heartbeat. They sent me home with no photo and no explanation of what was going on until I was able to talk to the midwife the following morning. Super stressful. Granted, it is apparently hard to see a heartbeat on a 6wk fetus but based upon our history I don't have hope. Nothing has passed since, except some extremely light spotting off and on. So I'm expecting that this will be another miscarriage. I don't "feel" pregnant and if this is over then I want my body to hurry up and get this over with. A ton of people in my social and family circles is announcing their new pregnancies so I really want to crawl into a hole for a while. I'm so over this.

 

On the finance side of things, we're doing OK. With gift money we've received we have not really snowballed any of it - just frittered it away as I suppose gift money should be. Budget line items from paychecks are being taken care of and we have been snowballing from my paychecks.. Just not the extra money we do come into.

 

There was an incident Sunday night on our travels home that really spiraled out of control.. I'd booked the travel arrangements back in Sept for this AZ Christmas trip. We would have a very short window of time - 4 days - to fly down, hang out, and fly home. So I tried to maximize that window by booking the first flight out of Seattle on day 1 and a later flight out of San Diego on day 4 (7:30pm to be exact). Well, on day 4 we left AZ earlier to give us time and also take our chances attempting to catch an earlier flight. Got to the airport and found that all flights back to Seattle were fully booked so not really a chance to squeeze in anywhere, even on a standby list. So we were at the airport for 6hrs until our flight. DH got so mad at me for booking the flight that I booked, because it was so late and that I never consulted him about it when I was booking. Over the course of our wait he had 5 beers at an airport restaurant (don't even want to know how much that cost) and he was so argumentative, grumpy and all around awful to me. I was texting his mom what was going on, which further pissed him off because I wasn't "keeping it between him and I". To make things worse our flight had a delayed landing and our shuttle bus back to our home town was delayed another 25min as well. It's all part of holiday travel but he was being such a monster about it, and the alcohol definitely didn't help things. I literally was running through my head how I could go about filing for a divorce. Fast forward to today, he's since apologized, bought sodas in lieu of beer when we got some groceries yesterday, and after I suggested he look into going to AA/we look into counseling again, he says he's thought about it. From experience alcohol is a huge roadblock to success in all areas of life. I've had an alcoholic boyfriend before, and I was able to dump him and move on... But now it seems I'm married (ie, Stuck With) another one. I can't just dump him. I live with him, share vehicles and a home with him, etc etc etc. Again, I am so over this.

 

There is a bright side to my blog post today. Next week I travel for a weeklong training at work. So I'll be on my own for a blissful (I guess) 5 days staying in a hotel. I like to opt for meal per diem so I get a refund at the end of the week, and only spend $20-$30 out of pocket for all my food, saving a bundle of money that I can use to snowball. So, there's that. :unsure:

ETA: Oh, and my budget shearing last week paid off (a tiny bit) on the Verizon bill. Used to be $88 consistently, but this new bill was $75. Still high. We cut where we could going from 2G to 1G and nixing the insurance. Going down to 1Gig/mo did not do a WHOLE lot after all; apparently the employee discount does not apply to anything less than 2Gig service. So the discount went out the door, which sucks. But still, we have a smaller bill.



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Called DH during my lunch break today and talked to him about our issues a little. I told him I want to begin seeing our counselor again (but alone this time) and that I would love for him to begin attending AA. He began coming up with excuses "But I don't need AA, I can cut back on my own" and I told him he's said that before and we keep going in circles with it. Told him that I don't need to live with these alcohol problems surrounding me and I will choose not to if it comes down to it. Then the conversation got to the point where he said he's talked to his co-worker recently (the one he drives the truck with everyday) about AA before and that maybe the co-worker could be his mentor. (Co-worker can't drive the work truck due to DUI and has experience in AA). So if that helps get him in there, then so be it. I really hope something comes of this, because I am tired of the cycle we have been running. through with each other. I know he's got good intentions sober, but the drunk version of him is so ridiculous & I can't stand him!

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Big HUGS to you Gelly! It sounds as if you have thought this out and know what you need to do and are making strides toward it. I hope that your DH does go to AA as it seems to be a pattern and people rarely break patterns on their own. You (and a baby) deserve to be in a loving, committed and SAFE relationship. I am not suggesting that he physically hurts you or would hurt a child, but the emotional damage can be even worse - with or without alcohol. 

 

That being said (and I am not making excuses for him at all)- travel can bring out the worst in people. Especially with the holiday madness. Take advantage of your alone time to really think about what you want and what you will accept from DH behavior-wise. If he really does want to break the cycle and show that he does care about and value your desires, he should be able to commit to AA. If he doesn't want to go, he may love the alcohol more than he loves you. I don't mean for that to sound rude, that is just the control that alcohol can have on people. (I have learned a lot from my step-mom who has been recovering for over 36 years - it nearly killed her/destroyed her life several times before she got really serious about it.)

 

Please make sure to take care of you. Continue to be the strong woman that you have been to this point. I think you are pretty amazing and deserve happiness! 

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I'm so sorry you are going through this - but hopefully your timing is just off and the baby is fine!  I had two miscarriages in a row and am now 27 weeks pregnant - reading what you wrote brought me right back there. it was such an awful and heartbreaking experience, I have no idea why it happens to so many people!  It just sucks!  I'm praying for you!

 

I've also dated men with drinking problems in the past, and do know that he really does really need to *want* to get help, but setting good boundaries will definitely go a long way in making him realize he can't behave like this anymore. In addition to aa, there are some great books out there - rational recovery and 'the small book' are two, and are especially useful when AA is not the right fit for someone - I think AA is great overall, but some people do have issues with it, and it's not the only way to get help.  

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I'm so sorry you are going through this - but hopefully your timing is just off and the baby is fine!  I had two miscarriages in a row and am now 27 weeks pregnant - reading what you wrote brought me right back there. it was such an awful and heartbreaking experience, I have no idea why it happens to so many people!  It just sucks!  I'm praying for you!

 

I've also dated men with drinking problems in the past, and do know that he really does really need to *want* to get help, but setting good boundaries will definitely go a long way in making him realize he can't behave like this anymore. In addition to aa, there are some great books out there - rational recovery and 'the small book' are two, and are especially useful when AA is not the right fit for someone - I think AA is great overall, but some people do have issues with it, and it's not the only way to get help.  

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Hope he gets some help with the alcohol problem. I knew someone close to me once whose husband drank like a fish. One day she had had it-she told him either quit drinking or get out.

 

He quit drinking, immediately. It was amazing.  It can be done I guess when someone realizes the cost. Others need help.

 

Hope you two can sort it out.

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I hope your baby is fine.  Agree with your decision for both of you to start counseling.  Hopefully your husband's work partner can steer him in the right direction.

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Next appt/ultrasound is not until January 12th (or 19th)? - I had to push it out because it was going to be this coming Tuesday but I am traveling out of town for work next week. Midwife was booked and also going to a workshop or something so it will be quite a wait ;)

 

So far no AA meetings attended on his end yet & no beer bought or alcohol consumed.. Just lots of Pepsi. So far we're fine, but I definitely want to see him actually commit to meetings or meeting with a therapist or something.

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Some people are able to quit drinking cold turkey. I've experienced both in my family and the need for meetings which I've decided is am addiction in itself. Stay strong. Will wait for that post after your next appt.

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If his behavior is changing and the drinking stops, I wouldn't push for meetings. They're not a good match for everyone. Self help books or websites or podcasts might work too.

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If his behavior is changing and the drinking stops, I wouldn't push for meetings. They're not a good match for everyone. Self help books or websites or podcasts might work too.

 

And marriage counseling. You should be able to have reasonable discussions regarding issues, and a good counselor/therapist would be able to guide the two of you.

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