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The story


luchitasmom

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When I met my husband in 2006, he was living alone and I was a single parent of 3 (I have four children, the oldest was grown and gone). He told me he was divorced and had two children. We dated for a year and a half before we got married. The kids liked him, he liked them, it was all good.

 

It was a lie full of omissions and half truths.

 

There is way more to the story than this, but here's the short version.

 

He called me at work one day to tell me he was being arrested for child support. From there I discovered: he has five children, not two. He was $32K in arrears. Because he had been in prison. And then homeless. He didn't have a valid drivers license (he had given me another reason why he couldn't drive). I am still not completely sure how many times he has been to prison and what for.

 

So now here we are. In between then and now, I lost my job and he was in a car accident that left him with a neck and brain injury. I found another job finally, making half what I did before. He got a new job making a lot more. We should be able to save plus get all our debts paid off.

 

But he is on the controlling side and he won't do it. The fact that he is funny and charming and his bosses absolutely adore him is negated by the fact that I feel like I have no say in anything. Which isn't entirely true but when I try to stand up for what I want it ends up in a huge fight.

 

I don't know what I am going to do. I come here because even though my life isn't in any way DR approved, it makes me feel happy to know there are people out there who are getting out of debt.

 

I am beyond sad. But I decided today that to the best of my ability, I am going to be gazelle intense. I need to do something that falls in line with MY beliefs.

 

If you've read this far, thank you.

10 Comments


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I'm sorry you're going thru this. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to - I hope you can find a therapist you like. Just being able to have a safe place to talk and get things out makes a huge difference. Saying some prayers for you!

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Hugs and prayers to you.

 

Do you love him?  Do you want to stay with him?  Are you working? Would you be ok financially on your own or do you stay because of his income?

 

This is just me but I would have serious trust issues with someone who was so deceitful.  I would find out how many times he had been jailed and what the crimes were.  I would need to know what to watch out for.  Court records are generally public.  You can find out a lot googling people's names.  (I have a relative who has had several driving related arrests and the court records reveal entirely different stories than what he presents.)

 

Assuming you do love your DH, want to stay, and he is a better person than when you first married you need to find a way to insert yourself into the finances more.  Even in the best of relationships both spouses need to be fully aware of spending, debt, savings, insurance, retirement, etc.  It is imperative so that the "non finance" spouse knows what is going on if something happens to the "finance" spouse.  Since the budget and spending cause conflict perhaps some of the other issues would be a place to start communicating and working together. - "Hey honey, I've been wondering if we have enough life insurance on each of us.  How much do I have, how much do you have, is that enough if something happened to either one of us?"

 

I have seen many women blindsided by affairs, gambling debts, foreclosures, repossessions, spouse's addictions, etc. that they would have known about much sooner if they had been fully aware of where the family finances come from and go to.  If your spouse is untrustworthy you really need to keep track of the $$.  Money tells a lot.  For example, the husband of one of my BFFs was using the "tithe" money for dinners and hotels for his GFs.  She would have known this much sooner if she had spent 5 minutes reading their tax return before signing it.

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We are in our 50s, and some of the jail was long ago. I have uncovered as much as I can but there are still pieces that I do not know.

 

I am working, full time, and I could probably make it work on my own. Perhaps that is a good project for me, to do a budget and see if I am right.

 

I woke up this morning still feeling sad, but hopeful too. You have all given me a lot to think about.

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We are in our 50s, and some of the jail was long ago. I have uncovered as much as I can but there are still pieces that I do not know. I am working, full time, and I could probably make it work on my own. Perhaps that is a good project for me, to do a budget and see if I am right. I woke up this morning still feeling sad, but hopeful too. You have all given me a lot to think about.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad but hopeful is a great place to be.  I can't think of much worse in life than feeling hopeless. 

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I am almost 50 myself and I have been through some horrible things in regards to my marriage in the last few years..well the last 15 years or so (we have been married for 30).  I have to say the older I get the less tolerant of "stupid" I have become.  At this point in my life, financial things are more important and thank goodness DH and I are now on the same page.  It took us a long time and lots of therapy to get here.

 

I have experienced infidelity at the hand of my husband and that is deal breaker for many, but I know we all have our reasons for remaining in broken relationships.  Mine has gotten way better as my DH faced his truth and got the help he needed.  I am not sure your DH is at that place.  If they cannot see there is a problem, nothing is going to change it.

 

You need to search your gut and see what it tells you.  You know deep down inside if you should remain with your husband or not.  You need to think more about your future and if you think things are going to change for the better.  Staying the way they are now is just a disaster waiting to happen.  I can tell you from following DR for many years, when one spouse is not on board it is next to impossible to follow the steps.  It can be done, but it will be a constant struggle.  

 

Saying a prayer as I know it is hard.

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I love that you have this place to come and talk with people that care and we DO care. I'm not sure how long you have known about the lies and half truths but it sounds like you are making a plan and not making any rash decisions. 

 

I think it is great for you to do a budget and see where you stand alone and together so you know what your options are. It is one thing to stay with someone because you want to and a completely different thing to stay with them because you feel you HAVE to and don't have options. I can't imagine how you are feeling but have no doubt that you will both need counseling to get through this (whether or not you stay together). 

 

Big HUGS to you!

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Hope you get this all sorted out and have some peace. A difficult situation. Do you decide he kept things from you due to shame and the fear of losing you before you were married? Or is deceit just part of who he is?

 

Only you in your heart can know what to do. I do encourage talking it out with someone such as a counselor to help you sort through things.

 

Best wishes,

 

Annie

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