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I saw it coming - rant warning


esg

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You're probably sick of reading my family rants so if you don't want to see me upset or hear about my mother you may want to pass this. I'm hoping in a year I can look back and be in a better place than this but I have to put my thoughts somewhere.

 

I got an email from my mother today entitled "What are your plans"

 

It started off fine with this whole "I'm writing just to you cause people don't listen when you talk" thing and quickly turned into how when she gets money the first thing she does is share it. She goes on to say that if she were me she would give money for being here (but doesn't mention all the times that I have with no problem or that I just paid on things or that I gave her a small amount for a bill that she has to pay). Then she mentions that I basically abandoned them when I moved from the house into my own apartment (but said nothing about the water bill they left behind when they left the house or that they were moving with my aunt who didn't have space for my son and I). She talked about how she did so much for the lawsuit against the mortgage company and how they wouldn't have my information if she hadn't (even though it's the mortgage company's records that was used against them). She wants me to give my older sister money "cause she kept us afloat when she could" yet doesn't even acknowledge that my sister goes out of her way to ignore me. I could be sitting in the room and she'll make it a point to call one of them to talk to when she sees me and when she does talk to me it's to tell me about my bad parenting, my inability to do all kinds of things or complain about the food that I buy (I'm the main one to grocery shop besides my younger sister who doesn't do it enough for regular meals). I don't say anything to her so it's not like I'm amping her up but she wants me to give her money with that attitude? The one person that has made the house walk on eggshells for years? Who continuously tells me to leave cause I'm not helping out yet she wont let her car be used or put in for her full share of the rent? I once told her that I didn't like my son having coffee drinks or chocolate. He was under two. She made it a point to give them anyway so I would look like the bad guy taking them away. Then she would make comments to him, like she does now, that I'm a bad mother for not letting him have/do something so he has said it to me before. She does those kinds of things when I don't want my son to say or do certain things. My mother wants me to give her money cause she was helpful three years ago.

 

On top of that she wants me to continue to sue because she thinks they can remove it from my credit and put money in my account. Nevermind that I've already tried and it stressed me out so bad. I'm really done with this whole "get more money" thing.

 

"And sure, using the car is appreciated, but you know." That's all she said about that. That's it. We've been doing this since June and that was her words on that. We're without the car 3pm - 2am and whenever my sister has to work a second job which makes it noon to 2am now. Nevermind that my son is ready to go or that I still have to deal with being told I have a time limit every time I want to leave the house. Yes, every time I want to leave the house I'm rushed and told that I don't have much time.

 

Show them some gratitude and "don’t make your sisters not want to be bothered with you". I'm not sure I want to be bothered if this is what it means to deal with people. I'm not selfish. I'm more than okay helping and most of the time its to a fault. I know that but one thing I'm not is selfish. I have never acted like they couldn't ask me for something. I do budget ahead of time and I don't like surprise expenses but to act like I'm being selfish because I'm not giving out money?

 

I cannot stand to be around her right now yet its just us three here all day. She sent the email yesterday and it was in my junk mail so I didn't see it until today. I wrote out a response but I'm not sure I'll send it. I don't want to talk to her at all and I really don't feel like going back and forth over email because chances are she's already sharing or planning to share the email anyway. I don't believe she would even keep it to herself because she never does. I just want to get my car taken care of and leave. Part of me is okay to not deal with her anymore because it always leaves me wondering if it's me that's the problem or something she's doing and I'd rather not have that to deal with. I'd rather be clear on things. When I mess up, I mess up. I don't need other people throwing in their mess too.

 

As for the money, I haven't splurged on anything. I still have the majority of it sitting in my savings account. I paid on any passed due bills (including family bills), bought some groceries, some earphones for myself and bought my son an educational game and three little monster trucks. Not even $60 total for both us. How sad is that? He loves them and he's happy and that's what counts but it's sad that I'm getting an email basically calling me selfish for not even doing anything yet. I haven't even said anything about it or made plans for it (even though I do have budget scenarios). I know for a fact that if it were my sisters they would have spent a good bit of it already and that's fine but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't get any emails. She knows I'm not even spending it like crazy. It hasn't even been half a week with it in my account and not even two days from it being in my account that I get the email. It's like one big guilt trip to start handing out money.

 

So basically in this family, if someone helps you out at all you have to pay them back when you get any money because they apparently will bring up every instance in the last three to five years where they did something for you. Except she only considers it helping when it's not them living in my house or using my car or eating the groceries they don't help me pay for (and I've never once asked them for anything back even though I'm so tempted now).

 

So I guess I need to know if I should figure out an amount and give it to the three of them and leave. Knowing my mother, it will never be enough but still.

 

And another minor thing I'm sick of - I'm tired of her mentioning things my son can't do or have because he's a boy. Frozen? Who cares. He can like whatever he wants. I'm so sick of this I'm giving myself a migraine.

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Nothing has changed for your family in several years.  You have boundary issues and every member of your family has boundary issues.  No one knows how to establish personal boundaries or honor one another's boundaries.  You are a grown woman with a child and need to be living independently.  Who knows if you "owe" you mother or your sisters money?  We don't have a ledger.  They do, and you do but the books don't agree.  It simply wouldn't be an issue if you didn't have all the boundary issues.

 

Read Boundaries if you haven't already done so. 

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She shouldn't know how much money you have. Do not respond to the email or if you do tell her it's your business only. I result can't believe you are considering giving her the other car. You do know it won't get them off your back, right? How about you work the steps in order BS1 done, get as much BS2 DONE as you can. Be a good steward of your found money. Buying a new car and giving them your old car is doing the same thing your mother is asking you to do in this email. How will you respond?

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I agree with Plinda.  You have got to set some boundaries.  I would be doing everything I could to get myself and my child out of that environment.  If they did not want me around I surely would not be there.  I think that some relationships should be at a distance for our own sanity. 

 

They are adults and you do not have to provide their upkeep.  They need to figure that out on their own; however, they are used to taking advantage of you and feel that is the norm.  The issue is that you let them get away with it.  If you remove yourself from their day to day life they will find their own way. Do not feel sorry for them or let them belittle you into giving them what they want.  Stand up for yourself and your child - you are all he has!

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What I'm hearing is a "welfare" mentality in their attitude, i.e. that it is someone else's responsibility--in this case yours--to take care of them.  Sorry if your mother didn't raise them right or they didn't get the message, but grown adults are responsible for taking care of themselves.  That means getting an education and a job that provides money to pay for their needs.  It doesn't mean leaching off of family members or off the government.  You are on the right path and need to cut your ties with them.  I'm sorry if that is harsh but they need to wake up and smell the coffee (that they've paid for).

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I'm sorry, no one needs this kind of drama in their life.  You need to move out now, change your cell phone number, and get away from your "family".  There is no way that I would even respond to such an email from someone I live in the same household with.  YOU, and only YOU have the power to change this situation.  If you are not willing to do something about it, stop complaining. 

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I agree, you need to leave. Take the car, take your son, take what's yours, and get out. Make sure you change your address with the post office, bank, etc. By exposing your son to this toxic environment, you're showing him that this is an okay way to live. Your future, and his future, is in your hands.

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I'm a firm believer in realizing that everything we do is about choices.   You made the choice to go back to the house with your mother and sisters.  You've made the choice to share financial information with them.  You're making the choice to stay in the house.   You've made the choice to let your family members use your car.  You're choosing to get frustrated over actions by your mother and sisters when, quite honestly, it seems that their actions are no different that before.  If they are acting as you have grown to expect them to act, why are you choosing to be frustrated?  

 

What is the BEST choice for you and your son right now?  Is it to stay in the house, let him see the drama and have you feeling poorly about how your family treats you/him?  Is it to get out and restart your life with him and putting boundaries between you and your family members?   What are the short term/long term consequences of the choices?   What are the barriers you have to making the choices?  

 

Only you can make a choice for you and your son.  I know what I would if I were in yours shoes, based off of what you've shared with us.  

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Plinda- yes I know, boundary issues. I am reading the book.

 

Kelvan- she was here and saw the paperwork. She told my older sister without me knowing. I'm not sure I'll sell the car to them. I haven't made any plans yet. The problem is that I know my mother will badmouth me in front of the family. Probably for this money too but it would end up a sob story about leaving no car. I would prefer not to lose the rest of my family but I don't know how to combat that. I don't want to give the car at all but at this point, I do want to just walk away with the least amount of her crap to deal with. My BS1 is funded and I have budgeted for some of my BS2. I just haven't done it yet. I would not be buying a new car. The money that would go into this car is going to be put into a newer year cash car. I had this one checked for repairs a couple months ago. I don't think I'll respond because it would be tit for tat forever.

 

BigDog, it's one of my biggest issues. I know I need to but I'm having a hard time doing it. She has always done the hurt puppy/we need to take care of family thing. It's not the easiest thing to get from under.

 

GreatLakesGirl, I know you're right. Harsh is good cause I'm having such a hard time with this. I have the hardest time with guilt and it's what keeps me here. I think she knows that so it feels like she's playing on it.

 

Taylorcpa, I'm not going to respond. I thought about it last night but I'm going to pretend I never got it at the least. I am working on leaving. Just isn't going to happen that quickly.

 

Thanks Germaine. We may be moving 3 hours away so definitely changing everything. I just need to settle some things.

 

Allie, yes I know it's about choices. Only thing is, when it's my mother it's not always made to feel like choices. There are a ton of guilt trips on a regular basis so it should be easy to say well I'll choose not to do this but it isnt that easy. It's not easy to see what's real and where they actually need help and what's manipulation. I think the email makes it plain for me now where conversations with all her emotion don't and it ends up being harder. The frustration is in knowing that it really isn't right but seeing that it just isn't something I can easily stop (and I mean the guilt on my part as what I can't stop).

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Set her e-mail to go straight to your junk mail.  You don't need this.  She's a manipulative jerk and her emotions are not your problem.

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Whatever help they need, whether financial or psychological, is not help you can provide. You've enabled them for a long time. If you want to give them the car, so be it, as long as you are doing it because *you WANT* to, not because you think you should. I imagine pretty much all of what they tell you is manipulation, and for the time being I would assume everything they say is manipulation.

 

They're like addicts. Bailing them out won't help them, it's just enabling them. You can't control how they react, and you can't control how extended family will react. But you can control what you do.

 

Good luck.

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Can I ask what you need to do to be able to move out and get away from this situation?  I know you say you want another car and you want to move out and you want IVF.  Honestly, I think your first goal should be to get away from where you are.  How much will that cost and how much $$ do you have?  And, if you don't mind me asking - how old are you?

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Do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got.

 

I believe the definition of insanity is expecting something else.
 
You can not change them.  You can ONLY change YOU.
 
So, if I understand this correctly..... You sister is teaching your son to disobey your rules, your mother wants you to pay her for doing so,  and she acts like she's half of a bitterly divorced couple.... and YOU are the other half.  Using your son to "get back at you".  Your mother is acting like a spoiled teenager wanting something for nothing, and you are acting like a bad parent and indulging her in her delusions.
 
Why don't you take your sister to work and drop her off?  Tell her she needs to find a ride home.  I'm not sure how the dynamic came about where you are "borrowing" your own car.  But I would end that stuff NOW.  You can offer things like..... "I'm not going to be back then, so you can either come with me now, and I'll drop you off, or you can find another way, but I need to know YOUR CHOICE right now, because I'm getting ready to leave."  Or.... "I'll be back at x o'clock.  If you still want to BORROW MY CAR then, that would be fine."
 
You are making yourself sick about this.  Your family members are what I refer to as "Toxic People."  They may be sweet as heck to other folks, but for you and your son, they are poison.
 
You said in this post (and I believe a similar version  before).... "I just want to get my car taken care of and leave."  Do you need permission?  OK.... you have permission.
 
I would not "pay" them for their bad behavior.  No.  I do not reward things like that.  My understanding is that at least two of these folks are OLDER than you, so they should be ready to take care of themselves.  You need to keep the money you have to spend on taking care of you and your child.  HE'S the ONLY one in that house who can't take care of himself.  THE ONLY ONE.  If you give anyone else money, you are taking it away from HIM.  HIS well-being, HIS safety.
 
Once you have settled the matter of other people borrowing your car ONLY when it's convenient for YOU to lend it to them, get the heck OUT of the house!  Do not sit there and expose your child to that daily.  Get in the car with him and go somewhere... the park, a museum, the library, just drive around, or even park away from the house, just GO... somewhere ELSE.  Heck, spend that time "settling" whatever needs to be "settled" so that you can get out!
 
I understand that you, for some reason, can not stand up for yourself...... fine.  But how much do you love your son?  Are you willing to stand up for HIM?  Exposing him to this kind of mental mind games daily is not good.  I know you have this "dream" that everyone will all of a sudden start acting like adults, and show you some respect.  But they won't.  Their behavior will worsen until they chase you out of the house.  You can either choose to let that time be now, or wait.  That is YOUR choice.  Leave now, stop making yourself sick expecting others to change to suit you, and change yourself...... or wait dealing with the disrespect and outright hate on a daily basis until it becomes even more unbearable.
 
So choose.  Which do you prefer?
 
But make no mistake.  YOU ARE MAKING THE CHOICE.  
  • Like 9
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I'm 29.

Right now, I really need to figure out the car situation. I'm planning to get us to where our land is which is three hours away. I don't trust my car to make that trek and I don't know the mechanics there well enough yet in case something happens. I dont think it will fall apart right then and there but I dont want to risk it so thats number one. I will be researching mechanics there but still looking for a car.

I'm not doing anything with IVF at the moment. My concern is diminishing fertility but I'm not doing anything yet.

If I wanted, I could get a more expensive car, pay on some of my debt and have the base amount for IVF and some for living expenses but since I'm still pricing and budgeting and working things out for leaving, I'm not sure what I'm going to do (but not all that). That's kind of why I haven't done anything. I could go a few different ways. My priority is figuring out the car and leaving so until I have that straight, I'm not doing anything. My BS1 isn't counted in this so it won't be touched. With it counted I have $11,000 in my accounts. Still figuring out costs.

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Momto6, thank you. I can't get over feeling stuck but that did remind me that my son increasingly unhappy and I don't want that for him. It's not a good situation. I had stopped bringing her to work to help my own physical pains. It's a lot worse sitting in the car on some days and funny enough that reminded me of telling my mother that and having it passed over. Or telling her I was tired of this and having her treat me like the irresponsible one. Like I don't want to help family. This is really not going to get any better and I am making myself sick. I'm in more pain today than I need to be. I'll work out a faster plan.

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With $11,000 you should be able to get a reliable car and get settled into an apartment somewhere.   You need to be very wise with how that money is spent. 

 

Is there not enough income in your budget for you to afford to support yourself and your son independently?  Is that why you keep going back?

 

If you are comfortable enough to post all YOUR financial details - income, expenses, debts, etc -  we want to help you.

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Please know that what I'm going to say is said in love. 

 

I think you are overthinking things.  You are getting stuck on your own thoughts and it's causing you to freeze instead of get into motion.  You need to leave now.  Stop thinking about what your mother will say about you because she's going to say what she's going to say and the only thing you can do about it is change how you react to it.  She's giving you a guilt trip because in the past it has worked.  The guilt trips are going to get worse until she realizes they aren't working anymore so you need to stop responding to them. 

 

Honestly if I were you, I'd pack up MY car and get out, if not tonight, tomorrow.  I would go to an inexpensive hotel for a short time if I had to until I found a place to live.  I'd change my cell number and be VERY careful about who I gave it to.  If my mother and/or sisters got the number, I'd change it again.  You need to move on for your health, sanity and most importantly your son.

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Do you really want things to change?  Because you have all of the power here.  All you have to do is decide to use it.  

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I agree.  It's time to get a backbone & stand up for yourself & your son.  Find a decent car.  Trade in the car you have on the newer one.  Hopefully for a couple thousand, you can get a more reliable car.  You do not owe your family a car.  They are grown people fully capable of saving money for a car.  They have not done that because they have not had to.  At this point, you are an enabler.  They will continue to use & abuse you as long as you let them.  Is that what you want your son to see every day?  Is that how you want him to grow up to treat his wife & family?

 

Go back & read your posts from years ago.  It's the same story over & over.  Only you can change your & your son's future.  I pray that you believe you & your son are worth enough to get out from this abusive living situation.  I see this as no different than an abusive spouse.  

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Can I be harsh?  The problem in this scenario isn't your mother or your sister, it's you.  They can dish out whatever they want, but you are choosing to take it.  That's on you, not them.  You don't have to listen to them, you don't have to be around them, you don't have to finance them.  You are choosing to do so.  Ask yourself what you are getting out of this?  Even better, what is your son getting out of this?  Do you really want him to grow up thinking this is normal?  

 

I know this is easier said than done, but it can be done.  Many of us here have cut off or severely limited contact with toxic family members. Having kids was the kick in the pants I needed.  

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Be careful that you don't treat the $11k as a windfall.  It sounds like your mother is (and would love to get her hands on it). 

 

Take that money, take the car, get the heck out of there. 

 

What is your job situation?  Do you have a way to support yourself and your son in the new location without dipping into your money?

 

Upgrade the car, if you must, but what kind of car really can't get you three hours away?  Not having a trusted mechanic in the new location wouldn't deter me for ONE SPLIT SECOND about not moving forward with the plan.  You can look up mechanics, ask around when you get there, if it is even needed.

 

There are obviously many things I don't understand about your situation.  I thought you had gotten away from family.  And life was better.  Why did you go back, and how can you prevent that from happening again?  Counseling may help you!

  • Like 5
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