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It's been over a year since


esg

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I lost my login information along with the site bookmark so I haven't logged in in quite a while.

 

I read over my last blog post and I wish I could say a lot has changed. A lot has but a lot has not.

 

What has not?

 

- My mother. She is still very much into telling people what to do and it extends into other family members as well. She is still herself in all the same ways.

 

- My sister M and the driving. That was different and then they lost their car in the most recent flood. Since my older sister refuses to share or let her car be taken, mine is being used while I'm still in town. It's a mess. I'm not driving this time, she is, but I end up without a car nearly 12 hours a day if she doesn't work mornings too.

 

- My sister K. M works three jobs because K doesn't contribute enough to the shared situation which is why my car is gone so often. She hasn't changed a bit.

 

What has?

 

I have. My son and I stayed in our apartment for nearly a year. At the end, we sold some things, packed up other things and left to travel. It wasn't my best decision on the spur of the moment but it was the best decision. I ended up with an infertility diagnosis which I think spurred it too. I also stopped wanting to spend $600+ on rent (not that I could afford it well in the end anyway) and not being able to put money where I need it. We stayed in my hometown as our first stop and got to spend over a month exploring and staying with my grandmother. She ended up dying at the tail end of our visit so even though that was the worst thing, it worked out as the best thing. My son got to know her and I got confident in my ability to say what I did and didn't want to do.

 

After her funeral, my son didn't take it well and we ended up staying in town. Then we got stuck longer and longer and here we are working our way out again.

 

The good thing is -

 

My goal was to leave and work on the go so I could save up which has been okay. The longterm plan was to save for IVF, land and then to be able to build something tiny on it. We got our land at the tail end of last month! It's in a historic town with lots to do and it's about four hours away from here.

 

We have a lot to do with that but our main priority now is saving up for a better cash car and getting back on the road (more likely staying closer to the land) so we can continue to chop down our debt and prep our land. It will be a while longer until a trailer first then a small house is on it mortgage free but eventually we'll have a place of our own.

 

My mother asked about building something else on it for her and I felt confident enough to say no. I can help her find land but I cannot help her with mine. I'm finally feeling like, although I have this current car mess to get out of, I'm making a better plan for us that includes a little distance, work that I like and can do anywhere and some travel and learning for my son.

 

I'm hoping not to lose any of my login information again.

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I can't remember all of the "back story", but if you are in town and need your car, then your sister should be finding other transportation.

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Congratulations on being able to set that boundary with your mother! What a great step for you. And congratulations on getting the land.

 

I hope you're able to get the car situation straightened out. Take the new found courage you had with your mom and use it on your sisters. You can do it!!!

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Thank you both.

It's a tough situation. She does say that she'll Uber her way to work if I need my car but then she ends up paying nearly $100 a day to get that far and back which then means she can't pay bills as she's handling most of them herself. We've talked about her buying my car from me but she can't right now so I'm saving for my own and then later she'll start paying me for this one. At least that's currently the plan. While I work on that, I do make sure to assert myself and keep some time where we have our car and she has to work it out. It's not often as I know she's stretched but I do try to talk to my mom or older sister about the other car and my sister not contributing as much as needed so maybe that will help without money being lost.

 

So, trying to balance being helpful, being assertive and not being walked on.

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I'm remembering a bit of your story and the boundary issues you had with your mom and sisters. Is there a significant other in your life that you're pursuing IVF with?

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Stop solving your sisters problems for her. Just take your car back. She will figure it out.

 

I know I'm blunt, but really it isn't your responsibility to solve. She says this is the only way, I challenge that. If she didn't have a sister with a car, she would have found another way by now.

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I'm glad you are doing well.  Honestly, I don't understand anything about your post.  I don't understand having a child and no permanent home, working "on the go", IVF with no DH/job/home in the picture, and loaning your only car out while you have none.  But good luck to you. Good to see your update, let us know if we can help with anything.

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Thank you both.

It's a tough situation. She does say that she'll Uber her way to work if I need my car but then she ends up paying nearly $100 a day to get that far and back which then means she can't pay bills as she's handling most of them herself. We've talked about her buying my car from me but she can't right now so I'm saving for my own and then later she'll start paying me for this one. At least that's currently the plan. While I work on that, I do make sure to assert myself and keep some time where we have our car and she has to work it out. It's not often as I know she's stretched but I do try to talk to my mom or older sister about the other car and my sister not contributing as much as needed so maybe that will help without money being lost.

 

So, trying to balance being helpful, being assertive and not being walked on.

 

With the family issues that you have/had - would you really want to sell her your car and collect the money afterwards?    If using your car is saving her $100/day in Uber expenses, how much is she paying you for the use of your car?  If she were paying you $XX/day for it, that could go to your new car fund.  

 

If she's not paying you anything for the use of your car, you might want to address that. 

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I also don't know all of the backstory. How I wish I had a piece of paper outlining your immediate family and your extended family, so I could get some perspective.

 

Let's look at your immediate family first (you know, the most important family).

Remember in wedding vows, it's easy to overlook, but an important part is the leave/cleave.

You LEAVE your old family (you don't have to be a jerk about it) and CLEAVE (come together) as a new family.

 

I guess that shows my first assumption. Are you guys hitched? It doesn't matter much, I've found families come in many shapes.

 

I got confused a bit with the travelling part. Do you and your husband both work? Are they very mobile jobs? It sounds like you have one son. Is he in school?

 

Your description of your younger sister reminds me of the old book Nickel and Dimmed. If you take the author at face value, it's a woe-is-me tale about how the little guy can never get ahead. From a step or two back it can also be seen as a description of how broke people can make bad decisions and keep themselves broke.  Like working a job that costs $100 to get to.

 

Seriously, charge her $25 per trip. You could even sign up to be an Uber driver yourself! At the end of three weeks gift her a $500 Craigslist card, a $100 gas card and $100 in the bank to fix it when it breaks.

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GreatLakesGirl, no. Essentially I've run out of time due to a reproductive illness so I'm planning IVF in a year plus so that I can save what I have left. That's not to say I'll go through a transfer/try for a pregnancy at the end (we'll see how everything looks in a year or so - it's longterm not shortterm) just that I'm at the point where I do need to get that ball rolling.

 

Plinda, working on the go simply means that I only need my computer. Portable or mobile job you could say. That's how we left before. IVF is something I have to save for so it's not happening right now but it is being worked towards right now because that is now my only option as far as children goes. It will just take me a while to get to that point. My first child was the result of a fertilty cycle too. Not an ex or anything like that.

 

Allie, we're still discussing it. The plan would be that she would pay me as she uses it and that would go towards my car. It wouldn't be me giving her the car and then expecting the money afterward. At the end, she would keep it and  I would have my car. We're still working out how she can get to a point where she can afford that. At the moment, she is paying the majority of the bills for my mom and sister (as I once was) so I'm not pushing too much on her knowing how that was. That's not to say that I'm not putting in stipulations just that I'm not yet to the cut and dry stage. We're working on it though. There is a timeline in mind for me to end this and everything but we're not there yet.

 

Clever Username - I am not married. I'm very much single and very much plan to stay that way for the time being. I have one son. He is homeschooled and will stay that way for a while. At the moment we are not traveling, we're in the town where we started. We traveled for a month plus at the end of last year to my hometown and came back after the death of my grandmother. We're here but don't intend to stay here.

 

 It costs her around that much if she uses a taxi or Uber for the ride there and back. If she takes my car, it's gas and upkeep so not nearly that much. She did say that her current boss is working out something for her closer to here but that was only last week and hasn't happened yet. We're still working out her buying my car so soon enough she may be paying towards that.

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I'll relate a common quote I use financially to the many things you are trying to accomplish.

You can do ANYthing you'd like, you just don't have the time and resources to do EVERYthing.

 

Single, working, homeschooling, family saving, new baby trying...

While your spirit is admirable, if it were focussed, it might be more effective.

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Not to intrude on your personal decision, but shouldn't the focus be on saving for a permanent house to shelter said "future" children? It doesn't make sense to me that you don't have a home but are saving for the potential of future children. You have a child now that needs a permanent shelter, a place to call a home. I would focus on getting that established before trying for another child. Or does the land you bought come with a home? It wasn't quite clear from the posts if a house came with the land.

 

 

Anyways, my two cents.

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Clever Username, it may sound like a lot but I actually only worry about working and homeschooling. Even the car situation doesn't stress me as there is plan in the works and out already. New baby trying is actually just putting money into savings for the next year plus not any actions beyond that.

 

Nicolegrey, while housing is treated as primary, saving for that child does have to take place in the now or else the procedure wont happen even a year plus from now as planned. It's not the baby I'm saving for, it's the IVF and that doesn't take away from the primary goal. We are as settled/home as we want to be at the moment.

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Another option for another child, but not sure the timeframe involved.  I have a single friend who is signed up w/ the child care system here.  She has done one "foster to adopt" picking up a premie when released from the hospital and finally a few years later adopting him.  He is now five.  She is trying to get a girl now.  She has a foster baby that is about 6 weeks old, but not sure if she will be adoptable.

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Thanks Dorothy. I considered that again recently but we went through a similar fostering situation years ago. The adoption didn't happen at the last minute after a couple years and it was incredibly hard. I don't have it in me to go that route again especially not with my son here now. I have a plan for adoption in the future though but it will be quite some time before I pursue it.

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I guess I'm the stupidest person on this board because I still don't get it.

Are you or are you not homeless?

Do you or do you not have a steady job?

Can you afford to provide a home, food, utilities, and medical care for your child without public assistance?

How do your current decisions support your long term goals of building a home and expanding your family as a single mom?

Does your budget really allow for the four walls plus debt repayment, plus a trailer, plus home building, plus homeschooling, plus travelling, plus an upgraded car, plus IVF, plus the costs of more children? Wow, that would even stretch my budget!

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I'm not sure what you don't get.

 

We're in an apartment right now. We traveled before like we wanted and plan to again but we're back here in town while we work out the car situation.

 

I work online.

 

We don't have public assitance besides his health care since they wont allow him on private insurance (because he qualifies for state).

 

My current decisions are doing very well for us. I like them very much. Without them we'd be further into public assistance instead of off of it now. We'd be without savings for our car, without land and without longterm goals.

 

I think you're looking at these as all happening in the short term. If it was short term I'd be struggling to put more away sooner. This is all the plan for the next five years or so. IVF is at least a year away and because it is a cheaper clinic than my previous, it's not costing me an arm and a leg to save for it. Homebuilding is further away and not at all an immediate goal. We have land that allows for a trailer which has been priced and is not expensive (I have a friend who rebuilds and sells for a living) and that doesn't stretch our budget. That is more immediate than homebuilding and what we want more at the moment. Homeschooling like traveling (and most things) is as expensive as you make it which I don't on either accounts. I've been homeschooling for a couple years now. It does not take a lot of money. Some people prefer expensive curriculums but I have a four year old and it's not necessary for us.

 

It may look like we're putting aside in all directions but we're saving for our car, putting small amounts aside for IVF and the trailer. We have our areas of focus and budget for the next year or so and then once we have those we work towards the others.

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If I am understanding correctly the IVF is just egg collection and freezing for future use? Sort of an emergency fund of eggs in case you lose your fertility before you are ready to have another child?

 

I am glad to see you back :)

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Right Mimi but instead of freezing just the eggs they'll be fertilized first. I'm infertile already so IVF is it for me but we're not sure why I seem to be in more of a decline now so yes very much like an embryo emergency fund lol.

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