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Very, very depressed


Freedom10

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Well, it is official - one step further along I suppose. The papers have been filed and the restraining order was signed by a judge. My lawyer sent me the signed paperwork today.

 

This means that my ex can't do anything with our money - so far - the honor system has seemed to work. But now I don't have to check or worry about it.

 

It just sucks that it had to come to this. It sucks that I don't have ANY family - it sucks that I'm all on my own. I miss my in-laws. I miss my old life - I miss the good days. I hate not having my own house - making my own rules - I hate that I was a failure at marriage.

 

Sometimes I think I should forget about all of this and call him and ask him to take me back...

 

I looked up information about the judge. He seems like a good guy. He's been married for 30 years so I guess he's smarter than I am.

 

I feel so cut off and disconnected. I lost ALL of our mutual friends - I lost ALL of his family - I LOST EVERYTHING.... and I"M the WITCH. I'm the evil person who left him - who hurt him - who walked out on him - who didn't try. I know that's what they are saying about me.

 

God this sucks so bad...How do so many people go through this and come out sane?

 

I keep trying to remind myself to be angry. To remember that I'll never have kids because I spent that time with HIM, and now I can't. To remember all of the times he screamed and yelled, and threw stuff at me, and belittled me, and treated me as if I didn't matter. I didn't leave because I was happy, I didn't leave because I felt loved. I didn't leave because I felt respected.

 

A relationship that is healthy should provide all of those things - I don't care who you are or why you're angry - you don't throw things at people- you don't call them names. I just have to remember that.

 

A year from now this will all be over. I can get through this.

 

I'm so glad that I have Levi. I just wish I didn't have all of this anxiety. I think I might go see a psychiatrist - I think I need valium or something to take the edge off my feelings - so I don't break into tears. There is a lot of shame in this - a lot of shame. I have been on facebook for more than 4 years. I have so much shame that I have not posted anything about the fact that I don't live with my husband anymore. Most of my friends know this and have known it since the say I moved out - but I have people who have no idea I'm sure. People who were at our wedding who will be so disappointed This sucks... it sucks...

 

But I'm better off than a lot of people. I'm healthy - I have a good job - I have a safe place to live - I have a wonderful puppy - I have a safe car that works well - I have food in my fridge for dinner tonight. I have food for the rest of the week. I can go to a doctor when I need to. I had the best surgical experience I could have asked for - I recovered quickly and had a job to go back to. I have friends. This is not the worst thing that could happen. I just feel miserable, and I don't want to be miserable. I want to be happy - life is too short to not be happy.

 

I'm a Today show addict and this week they have been talking about happiness and how to find it. I need to focus on all of the great things that I have. All of the great things that I CAN have in the future.

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I would venture this is a normal reaction at this point.  As long as you don't let it consume your life.

 

If people knew the abuse you put up with, I can't imagine they would feel shame for you.  And if they did, in no way would I want those people in my life.  They're not worth your time.  And don't think you're worth so little that you should go back to someone who abuses you.  You are so much more than your current situation.

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Can I make a suggestion that has helped me when dealing with my dysfunctional family? Write down what he did and what compelled you leave and read over it to remind yourself that you did what you did for a reason. Sometimes we second guess ourselves and need to be reminded of how bad the situation really was. I have this has helped stand strong and makes me see how much better my life is without certain people in it.

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So sorry that you are dealing with all of this.  I have learned that each person has "stuff" they deal with, no one's life is perfect.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  We can only do our best each day.  Take comfort that you are moving forward and making your way and as you said you really do have a lot to be thankful (happy) about.  

 

I have lived through my DH's infidelity more than once and that should have ended our marriage.  I took an unpopular route by staying with him and working on our issues.  You endured abuse just as I did, but maybe in a different form.  We each chose different paths, but neither of them are wrong.  I too felt embarrassment, shame, and humiliation; however, I learned through therapy that I did nothing wrong.  I was placing the blame for his decisions on me.  It was not my issue to own.  He had to man up and take that (he did). 

 

You too are at this place.  You know the truth about your marriage and why you had to leave - place the blame where it really goes.  Who cares if others know that truth; if they truly cared about you they would have been there for you or sought out answers from both sides.  I learned a lot about some of my friends last summer...many of them I no longer speak to by choice.  

 

I wish you the best and hope you will seek mental health treatment of some form.  You deserve much better and sometimes it takes medications to help us deal with traumatic situations.  Your dog is a great form of therapy as well.  Unconditional love is what we all seek!

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Freedom I am so sorry that this man stole so much from you. Is there any way for you to move relocate and start a new life without so many reminders. A fresh start may be just right thing.

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One great way to seek and find "happiness" is to continue to do what you did in the paragraph that starts with ..."But I am better off..." Gratefulness is a way to learn to be content. You are actively learning because you recognize the pain and misery you have suffered, you are working to deal with that, yet you can see things to be thankful for.

 

I know being grateful changes my life on a regular basis. For instance, if I start to moan and groan about some house or yard chore that the whining goes on for a bit, I stop and give thanks for the house, the yard, or whatever I am doing. I stop grumbling pretty darn quickly. Have lived in a number of other countries and witnessed people living with next to nothing.

 

On yes, gratefulness can help to guide you on your journey to acceptance and contentment.

 

And love that you are looking forward to what you CAN have! That puts a smile on my face.

 

Tough emotional challenges for you. Please see the counselor as we all need help in our lives.

Annie

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I think if you are depressed enough to think you should go see a doctor to take the edge off, then do that. It will help. 

 

I know you are feeling ashamed, angry, and so many other emotions. Those are your feelings about it and they are all valid.

 

However, I disagree with the label of "failure" that you have placed upon yourself. You are anything but. You are a strong person who chose to stop being treated poorly by somebody. You chose to walk away, knowing that it would come at a high cost to you emotionally and financially. You did it anyway because you know in your core that it was the right thing to do because you are worth it. 

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Absolutely see your personal doc and get referrals to see you through this rough time. You deserve to have someone you can share your feelings with to support you emotionally AND medication to support you physically with the stress. This will not last forever but you do not deserve to suffer through that pain until it fades. Call today and make an appointment to be seen Monday, seriously. {{Hugs}}

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I found a local psychiatrist online and I'm going to call to make an appointment to see him.

 

I'll get through this - He was officially served yesterday, so I'm really hoping he comes to me with another offer instead of having to take this to court.

 

I'm just going to stop thinking so much about it. I need to stop overthinking this. Thinking about it won't change it. I've made my decision - I've made my bed and ruminating on the past won't make yesterday or today any different. And there is no reason to think that my future won't be better than my past.

 

I need to start focusing on today - accept where I am without thinking about why. I don't want to "stick my head in the sand" but going over the same feelings and the same situation endlessly is NOT helping me. I have to accept the situation as FACT - the past is UNCHANGEABLE and my decisions have been made. So I will stop second guessing and focus on the future.

 

Thank you all for "being here" for me - it is so nice to have a place to put my thoughts. I'm sorry for being such a roller coaster. I'll stabilize -I'll get better.

 

So - stuff to be happy about. I'm going to make a list each and every day.

 

Today is Friday!

Levi and I had a great walk this morning. We did an entire mile

I got several things done for work yesterday

Tonight I am meeting a friend for pizza for dinner.

I think I'll watch a comedy on Netflix tonight. (will take suggestions!)

Tomorrow I am going to take Levi to the local farmer's market if it is not raining. There is usually a stand there that sells the best smelling bar soaps. I might buy one as a treat to myself.

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Divorce is like a death, only nobody sends flowers.

 

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to work through your emotions.  Therapy might help, I'd encourage you to follow up and give the psychiatrist a call.  Allow yourself to grieve, then allow yourself to move on. 

 

And consider yourself hugged by me, even if it is over the airwaves.  :)

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Don't beat yourself up over being depressed, you've had a rough year.  It would be surprising if you were cheerful all the time after all the changes you have gone through.

 

Even good changes can cause stress and depression.

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Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I'm hoping today things look a bit brighter, even if it is only a tiny glimmer of hope.

Hope the Farmer's Market was great & that you found that soap!

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Knowing that depression has hit is big.  Get some medical intervention to help (i.e. meds!) and find a therapist that can help you.  Nothing wrong with talking it out to a neutral ear.

 

Giving many hugs to you, my friend, as you go through this time of your life!

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