I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. When I am feeling down, I try to remember I may see things differently another day.

This was not a relationship that was good for you. Please try to see yourself wth the love and kindness you would a friend in a similar situation. Very few people will judge you the way you think they will. Recognize those negative thoughts and try to distract yourself with happier thoughts. Go on a run with that adorable pup. Call a counselor and talk through it.

Much love to you. It must be very hard.

The only person who let anyone down is your husband.  He let you down by breaking his vows to love, honor, and cherish you until death-due-you-part.  When he failed to do that, you had no choice but to hit the reset button.  You are the star of your life and must live it as such.  Don't we all want the heroine or leading lady in a movie to have a happy ending?  Of course, we do.  Why shouldn't you have a happy ending, too.  Get rid of the guy who did  you wrong.  That makes you available to the great guy who is just waiting to meet a wonderful, charming, caring woman with an adorable puppy.  Maybe he's widowed or divorced with a young child.  Maybe he's thinking of adopting a child.  Maybe he's wondering how he can meet the woman of his dreams.  Your guy is out there  Your future happiness is waiting.  The papers you'll sign tomorrow is the next step to bring you closer to it.

You're right. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You two were supposed to love, honor and serve each other through good times and bad.

You did.

He didn't.

The fact that you were willing to do what it took to try to get it to work is a testament to your bravery.

The fact that you were willing to walk away to challenge him to rebuild your broken marriage is a testament to your strength.

The fact that you were willing to call an end to a marriage that was not a marriage is a testament to your honesty.

This is hard on you. It shows you have heart.

Think of the underwhelming shrugs your husband has given throughout this process.

If someone holds this against you, they are doing you a favor.

Let me share my favorite Irish toast with you.

To my friends, may God turn His grace upon them.

To my enemies, may God turn their hearts, so they may join us as friends.

God, if you do not turn their hearts, please turn their ankles, so I may know them by their hobbling.

(((Hugs))) It does suck. I agree with what everyone above has said. You did not want this to happen but you will get through it and come out on top. I have no doubt that good things are in store for you in your future. You are learning and growing so much as a person even as you are going through some tough things. 

As much as this hurts now, can you imagine how you would feel if you slowly lost yourself staying with your ex? Of two difficult choices, I firmly believe you made the correct one. FWIW, I think you would have REALLY let people down if you had stayed. People admire those that have the strength to make the hard decisions. I admire you and think many others do as well. 

Hang in there.

I mostly knew my divorce was for the best but the hardest moment was when he handed me the settlement check we agreed on in mediation. I felt like I was being paid to leave, and it was rough. I mean; it was my half of our money, it's not like he was truly paying me but that's what it felt like in that moment. But then after that I felt free.

This is the darkness before the light, the light will come.

Also call your therapist to see if you can get in quickly. You need that appointment right now.

Thank you all -

I know we don't "know" each other - but I can't explain how much it means to me to hear other people tell me that it's going to be ok. That this is not the end of the world.

I went in and got the papers signed. It just seems so silly that it had to come to this.

The papers say that we can't "harass" each other - no problem there - I've not heard from him since December. It just seems so "low-class" that we even have to do that. It also asks for temporary and permanent spousal support. Wish I could be there when he sees that. He's going to flip out. Hopefully this will be the kick that he needs to make me a reasonable offer. I really don't want to take this to court - there is no reason for it.

It was so difficult to see my name as "Plaintiff" and his as defendant. That's not what I was thinking would happen on the day that we got married. We were for keeps. I kept thinking that I completely gave up my opportunity to have biological kids. At this point in my life I was supposed to be a happily married stay at home mom with kids in middle school. Instead I'm a work from home technical writer with a very cute puppy, but it could be worse. I could be unemployed, or very sick, or have not able to make my own way.

I wish I hated him, but I don't hate him. I just couldn't stay married to him. When I think about what I miss - it's always the same. I miss his income, I miss my home, I miss my nice things, I miss my hot tub. But no part of me misses him. Maybe the him of 10 years ago - but not the him of the last 5 years. I don't wish that he were in bed with me at night - and I don't have any desire to call him or try to work things out. But I'm not mad at him, and I don't hate him.

Hopefully in a couple of months from now this will all be over. I just can't look back. I have to look forward. I have to think of all the good things that are going to happen..

1) I'll be able to pay off my CC bill AND my hospital bill.

2)I can start looking for a small house for me and Levi! I do like the roommate situation - but I really want my own place. It's been over a year now, so I'm ready to be on my own again.

3)I do have a lot to offer a new man - I can't have kids- but how many guys in their late 30's or 40's want to start a new family? I'm smart, I'm somewhat attractive I suppose. I ran a marathon last year and although I have not run since surgery, I will get back to it - and I am already back in my size 6 pants (thank GOD because I was NOT going to buy new shorts). I have a great job, and I have a good resume so I can find another job if I got laid off or something. Not having kids might actually be a plus right? A new guy won't have to deal with the whole ex-father situation, or trying to get the kids to like him etc.

4) Every decision I make is now mine and NO ONE can get angry at me for anything! To make myself feel better I went into Gmail and read through a couple of email fights that we had a couple of years ago. It really helped to revisit why I left. I was miserable. I was constantly being told what to do and when to do it. He even got angry with me for the way I start my car. He said that I was too rough on the starter and would ruin it. Well, I'm still driving it - so I suppose I can't be THAT bad at starting a car. Yeah, it helps to take myself back to WHY I couldn't stay.

This is going to be ok. In fact, it may turn out really well for me. I know as the process moves forward that I will have some more sad and bad days - but I'm going to work really hard to remember to stay focused. This is NOT a tragedy. This is a new beginning. A lot of people will never have the blessings I do.

And.. I am so glad I have Levi! He likes being with me - he's fun to take on walks, and he really does help.

I'm glad to hear you more upbeat here, I was very worried after reading the blog post. You are right, you do have a LOT going for you. And you know what you will soon NOT have pulling you back? A controlling, dictator husband who cares incredibly little about you and your well-being. I am so happy to hear that you don't miss him at all. The "things" that come with a 2 income household are nice, but you are smart, you will come out of this with much more than you are living with now, and you have all the frugal tools that DR has to offer. It may take time, but even on your income alone, you will be able to have nice things again. Limbo is hard and you have been living in limbo for a long time now. As you start taking more forward steps, a lot of these negative stressful thoughts will stop circling in your brain and be refocused elsewhere.

And as for happily ever after? My favorite aunt turns 65 in October. In August she is marrying a wonderful man. She has been single my entire life. She never wanted kids of her own, it's just not her thing. But she's marrying into a family -- he has 2 adult children, both married. One son is expecting twins after a long fertility battle, the first of the grandkids. So just remember, family comes in a million different variations. Your original vision of it is changing, but you never know where you'll end up.

((HUGS)) to you.  One of my favorite Bible verses talks about beauty for ashes.  You are seeing the ashes right now, but beauty will come.  Hang in there!