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need to vent

gmarie

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Well, the good news is that we did max out my hsa and fund the 11k IRAs by 4/15. We did have to use some non-essential sinking funds to help with cash flow, but expecting to fund the sinking funds again by the end of the month, or within a week of May.

The bad news is that I found out I was pregnant in March, and went for my 10 week ultrasound on Tues only to find out there is again no heartbeat. We are devastated, but after a very bad experience with my doctors office, we are going for a second opinion this morning and plan to switch doctors. I don't have too much hope that it was in fact wrong (but hey anything is possible, right??) but will feel so much better hearing it from a more competent doctor's office.

 

There are just too many issues at the other place to ever feel comfortable going back. Other than feeling like there is no accountability there (they want you so see everyone, which would would be fine later in pregnancy, but the first few visits should be with your own doctor and I only have a midwife there who I see for my annuals). It's obvious that the different dr's don't even really look at your chart before they come in. But the biggest reason is what happened the other day - they they sent us down the hall for the ultrasound after not hearing a heartbeat, and of course we got the tech that we had last year (she is was very rude and just had a bad feeling about her- she was super nice to me back when I went for an ultrasound on a cyst, but every time I've been in pregnant with DH, she is just icy-cold and just seems off). Anyway, so she didn't say a word a word through the abdominal ultrasound, which by now we know is not good news, We get back sent back to the dr office to be told that they didn't yet look at the ultrasound, but the tech said there is no heartbeat, and that the baby was measuring at 10 weeks so it must have happened in the last few days. They then wanted to schedule a d&C for the very next day and sent us home w/o asking for any blood work. When they called later that day to confirm the time, I asked if anyone ever looked at the ultrasound, and they said yes of course, but did they?? I have no idea. So, I woke up the next morning uncomfortable with the situation and started researching if ultrasounds can be wrong - also thought it was weird she did an abdominal and not an internal. So I called nurses line and told her was I uncomfortable and told her what happened the day before, and she interrupted me to say, wait, she did an abdominal not an internal?? and then said "that's disturbing" and then went on to say the report shows that an internal was done not an abdominal!!! She then said I need to call over there and will call you back. So, she calls me back to tell me say that the tech said yes it was an abdominal, she usually does them starting at 9 weeks, and someone just messed up the coding and they will change it!?!? The nurse assured me that the tech has been doing this a long time, and that if it makes me more comfortable, the dr can do an internal at my bedside before the d&c. Which to me is just crazy and unacceptable. And then they called me back to say the dr asked me to have a full bladder for the internal. Well, how the heck am I supposed to have a full bladder if I can't drink anything from midnight until the 12:30 pm surgery? And besides, every other time I've had an internal ultrasound they ask you to empty your bladder. Just makes no sense to me and don't trust anything they say anymore. So needless to say, I am never going back there!!

 

Also, since I'm over 35, they will start to look into the reasons for two miscarriages. (apparently if you are under 35, they wait until 3!) The doctor I am seeing today specializes in infertility and they are experienced in high risk pregnancies, so I feel like I will be in the right place.

 

Other news is that I did not get a bonus as promised (I would expect it to be handed to me at the last day of tax season, or in my next paycheck, which is was not). So, really feeling like it's time to move on. It was so difficult getting through the last part of tax season pregnant, I did go home early (6:30ish) for a few weeks and was in bed by 8 due to exhaustion, but I started to feel better towards the end, and was really proud of myself for getting through yet not overdoing it. I even gave up coffee!! My boss knew that I was pregnant, and although he acted excited there were a few situations where he was really awful about everything. So I am just really disappointed, and again feel like it may be time to move on.

 

Also, DH gave his 30 day notice for newspaper delivery, but now I'm thinking that maybe we should split it up, and I could quit the accounting job and we would be ok until I figured out what to do next. But, not really in a position to make decisions like that right now, way too emotional!

 

oh and i haven't selected any of the mutual funds in my 401k or the ira's yet! I was planning to do it this week but I can't focus. I'm thinking of contacting an ELP for help, but not sure if they will help if nothing is in it for them. but i suppose i could always buy this years roth through them, and I also have a small simple ira that can finally be converted later this year.



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Just wanted to send (((((((hugs)))))) your way.  I too have had a miscarriage and they are very mentally draining.  I did go on to have 2 kids.  I would also run from the other doctors office.  If you are uncomfortable there is no reason to stay with them.  I did this after my first was born.  Changed to a wonderful group in the large city near us and have been there over 20 years.  My youngest is now 20 (yikes!).  

 

Just wanted to offer some support!  I think I might wait a bit on the job changes until you get past the medical stuff.  I think you will feel better once you and the new doctor can get a handle on the miscarriage issue.

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally agree that it is time to find a new doctor. I agree with BigDog that you might need to get through this before making any major decisions regarding jobs.

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I'm sorry you are dealing with all this! 

 

As far as the 401k funds, do you have a list of choices?  If you would post them, maybe someone here could give you some advice.  Also, I have found a wealth of information about investing at the bogleheads.org forum. 

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I would also help with your fund choices. I'm so sorry you lost another baby. Prayers for your healing.

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Thank you.

 

I did confirm that the miscarriage really did happen, and have officially switched dr's. I also decided against the d&c and will just let it happen but planning on taking the medication to speed it up so hopefully will happen tomorrow and i'll have the weekend to recover. otherwise, i wouldn't feel comfortable driving the 50 mins to work waiting for it to happen in the next week or so. But I'm glad this dr is supportive of this route, the last was not at all.

 

This dr does not believe 2 miscarriages in a row at any age is cause for concern or extra testing (only concerned after 3) and says that I should try right away (30 days after passing the baby) which contradicts other advice I had been given (have in the told in the past to wait a few cycles), but he seems to know what he is doing, and I trust him...Dh likes him also.

 

Regarding the mutual funds, I decided to go with DR's suggestion of 25% each in growth, growth & income, aggressive growth, and international. Plan to pick ones that have been around at least 10 years (if not longer) which are easy enough to find, but I'm not sure what an ideal expense ratio really is, or if I should pick more than one mutual fund in each category. But, I am 100% ok with this allocation... I may feel differently as I get older, but for now, it works for me.

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We lost three babies in a row after our second child. No one was in the least concerned about it. I was a mess as you can imagine. My fifth pregnancy (3rd miscarriage) was a missed miscarriage. My baby died at 5 weeks but I carried to 12 weeks before my body started the process. My husband was deployed at the time. It took a while for the bleeding to stop then I had one cycle afterwards. Dh came home from his deployment and I was pregnant that cycle. I expected another miscarriage but it was a healthy set of identical twins. Our 7th pregnancy was a shock and took no trying. Our 8th pregnancy they told me I was going to miscarry because I could not possibly be as far a long as I said (baby measuring two weeks too small) dh deployed right after the test turned positive so I was sure of my dates. They said she was dying and I should expect to miscarry. At 20 weeks they again did another ultrasound and again said she was 2 weeks behind where I said I was in my pregnancy. So they adjusted my due date back two weeks....guess who was born "two weeks early". Just sharing to hopefully give you hope that even after losing three children we went on to have four more in three years and two weeks.

 

(((Hugs))) I hope the process goes smoothly as possible for you.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope the process goes smoothly too, take extra good care of yourself and take time to grieve without worrying about IRA's and 401k's.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Like some others, I also became pregnant immediately after a miscarriage, so soon that they actually weren't sure that it was a "new baby". But it was, and he is 11 now.

 

But I also know that when people told me stories like that I was convinced it would never happen for me. And I needed to grieve for the baby I lost.

 

Allow yourself some time to grieve. Be easy on yourself.

 

And I think you made the right decision switching doctors.

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Thanks, I just wish dh was here!! He is working all weekend so my mom is coming to stay with me tonight. He is usually so supportive so I am really hurt by him not being here. And he only called me once today to check up on me about 5 hrs after he went to be work and had no idea that I had to take the second dose of those meds. Oh well I know work is busy and stressful for him right now and the paper route has really taken a toll on him. Thankfully, he only has a few weeks left.

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(((HUGS))) Please give yourself some time and love as well as your husband. Don't forget that he lost a baby too and is trying to process it as well as continue to work. Most men have a difficult time expressing their emotions and don't talk like we women do. I think it often helps us heal faster knowing that we have the support of each other and your DH may not have that. He also likely feels bad or guilty that he isn't able to be home with you this weekend. 

 

Lean on your mom, cry and be sad. It is a sad event and no small thing. Though I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, it is always heartbreaking to hear of. I am sorry. I also hope that the medication works quickly for you and it isn't too painful.

 

I am glad that you are going with your gut instinct and switched doctors. I think that will be best for you physically and emotionally. IT sounds like the new office is more professional and caring. 

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Hugs!  What Gazelle2goals said about men.  I had a coworker whose wife lost a pregnancy.  He was so very sad, but did have trouble talking about it.  

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Sorry about your miscarriage and the loss of your baby.

 

Re: the mutual funds - no reason to do more than one fund in each category assuming you pick a fund with a long track record of decent returns compared to other funds of the same category.  Most of the funds will contain many of the same stocks any way.

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Thanks everyone. My mom left tonight... Still in pain and feeling weak... undecided about whether or not I should go to work tomorrow. Well, I am actually undecided about whether I want to work there at all right now but that's a decision for another day. I did play with the budget tonight and it will be tight but doable if I quit. I do think that dh should quit the paper route regardless. He is not sleeping enough and it's not healthy. And if I help him I will be messing with my sleep and health which is not exactly conducive to getting pregnant again quickly!

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I had my followup ultrasound yesterday and everything is fine which is a huge relief. I'm still having pain bit nothing too serious and am finally starting to feel better. We also love the new Dr, he even did the ultrasound for me which which I really respect. He also called several times to check up on me last Fri... It's nice when Dr's do things themselves instead of relying on others!

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