As the title announces, I'm on a seesaw, but I'm trending toward the lighter side of it.
I'm 2 weeks and 1 day out from surgery. No further ahead on the divorce front though. I really, really want to hear back from them. I hate that he is holding this up. If I don't get a reply in the next couple of weeks I'm going to go ahead and file. There is NO REASON this has to take a year and a half to complete.
I did my taxes last night - owed 1,600 federal so I paid that. I'll get 200 back from State, so I really only owe 1,400 - makes it much better right? (Taxes put me in a terrible mood, but what can you do.) It especially super sucks because I'm going to be on a limited income during recovery. I'll get two weeks full pay - then only partial pay for the rest of my recovery. If it goes past six weeks I get no pay.
It's amazing the number of forms you have to fill out regarding time off for an operation. I don't understand how there can possibly be so much fraud in world given the fact that you nearly have to give up your first born to get paid while you are out. I have to have my surgeon complete a sheet saying that "yes I'm having surgery" I have to have my employer complete another sheet and I have to complete one myself to turn into the short term disability folks.
Then that has to be repeated for the FMLA paperwork.
I went to the library and got a fantastic book out about hysterectomy. It explains the entire procedure top to bottom (some info is more than I wanted to know) - but I'll be prepared.
I go into the hospital at 7:30 on Wednesday the 15th. My doctor said if all goes well I will be kept in the hospital until Saturday. She said by the time I leave I will be able to prepare simple meals for myself, I will be able to walk and use the restroom on my own. I can't drive for 10 days to 2 weeks, but I'll prepare for that by making sure I have enough groceries and sundries to last. (Another reason shelling out that 1,600 right now makes me mad, plus the fact that I HAVE money - but it's all tied up in this divorce so I can't get to it, and will have to live on my income, which will be significantly reduced after two weeks.)
If I run into serious issues, I'm going to tell my lawyer that I need access to some of our savings account due to the surgery. I have not told Alan about it, but I did talk to a good friend of mine (who was also his friend) she said she would text him that "Freedom had a hysterectomy" after it was done. I just think he should know.
Work: I'm the only one on my team who does my job, so I can't offload it to someone else. I've been trying to get ahead and do as much as I can.
I've been stocking up on soup when it is on sale as well as tuna. Frozen meals too. I can't imagine I will be very hungry for a few days afterwards. I'm getting lots of Gatoraid and Poweraid to drink to keep me hydrated.
I'm going to go to Wallmart and get 2 pairs of loose fitting, very soft sweatpants. I've read that the incision can be very delicate and it helps to have loose pants that won't rub it.
I'm also going to get some gauze that I can wrap around my middle if I feel I need the pressure, or to cover the incision if it rubs.
I'm coming to terms with it. I've been reading books about life without children. I am very lucky that I never had the drive / desire to go through things such as IVF. The stories I've read about women who have desperately wanted a baby and been unable to get pregnant make me feel lucky that I never had that strong of a passion for biological motherhood. This is not easy mind you- but it has not been the driving force of my life for several years. It is only now, when faced with a hysterectomy that I am facing and must accept what will never be.
But I'll be ok. I have to be. At this point, I have no choice. Medically, I am convinced that this is the very best thing for me. My only fear (and yes, I'm single now but I hope to meet another man someday) is that my sexuality will be diminished. I asked the doctor that, and she assured me that I would be fine and return to normal, but I am worried that I would lose interest, or that it would be painful. I'm too young to give up on that part of my life.
So I have to invent Freedom 2.0. Everyday now when I wake up, I tell myself - "I can't be a mother, but I can be anything else. What do I want to be today?"
And then each day I pick something to be. Yesterday I picked "Runner" and I ran 4 miles. Today I picked "great technical writer" so I'm going to focus on work and getting ahead. Maybe tomorrow I will pick "fantastic cook". This has been a great exercise for me, and it makes me feel better.
Also: I just found out about a volunteer opportunity that I am going to check out tonight after work. It is working on a therapeutic riding facility in a town near where I live. They put developmentally disabled youth on horses for therapy purposes, and they are in need of volunteers. A girlfriend and I are going out there to learn about volunteer opportunities. I grew up on a farm so I have an idea of what goes on there. So that opens up a couple of options for me, I'd get to interact with children, and maybe meet some outstanding cowboy in the process. LOL! I hope it goes well, I probably won't be able to do much until after I recover but I'd have the whole summer to help out, if they select me to volunteer.