Wow - well today marks a big "anniversary" for me. It's officially been a year since I moved out. I think about where I was a year ago today, what I was feeling - how I was thinking - what has happened in the last year. The fact that we are still not done.
I wonder how Alan is doing. I wonder what he is going to do today. Is he even in town? Is he out of town on business? Is he thinking about today the way I am or has the anniversary of the end of our marriage completely slipped his mind?
Ok enough of that. It is what it is. Forward we go.
I met with my OBGYN, the mass that I can feel is a fibroid. I have several pounds of fibroids in, on and around my uterus. The doctor told me that if not treated they will continue to grow.
She said there is no possible way I could get pregnant at this point without at least a myomectomy (removal of the fibroids) because there are so many POUNDS of fibroids she said while I could conceive, there could be no attachment because there is nowhere for an embryo to attach- she offered that type of surgery as an option. This means that she would cut out the fibroids.
She said that it is a gratifying surgery for her because she takes something that is "not right" and makes it look normal again. She also told me that it is a very bloody surgery and often times because of the severe bleeding involved, transfusions are often necessary.
She told me that at some point in my life I am going to have to have a hysterectomy. Even if she does the myomectomy fibroids are likely to grow back. She also said that if I do nothing, I can put it off - but at some point she thinks the fibroids may even change my pant size. Because I can already feel one on the outside it will eventually become visible.
Given my age, the fact that even if I met someone tomorrow - I couldn't be a mom for at least year and would STILL need surgery. If I do nothing - I'll need surgery at some point. I guess I'd rather just have it done while I am sort of young and thin, and pretty healthy otherwise.
I chose the hysterectomy. I will get to keep my ovaries. The surgery has been scheduled for the 15th of April. I will be meeting with my OBGYN again before the surgery and she has encouraged me to do research and come with questions. I have my pre-op blood work on the 26th.
This year has killed me. It has broken my spirit, my goals for my future. My life will not be what I thought it would be.
Yes I do know that many women never have kids and lead really fulfilling lives. Not having kids is not the end of the world. I talked about this even before I knew I was going to have a hysterectomy.
I told my mom about it. I asked her what she would do if she were me. She said she would not and could not make any decision for me because if something bad happens she does not want to have any guilty feelings.
So what would you do? Am I making the right choice?
I find myself needing to stop checking facebook because I look at pictures of my friends children and feel jealous, and alone. I do not post on FB about what is going on in my life. I never posted about leaving Alan or the divorce so people who only know me or keep in touch with me via FB have no idea.
I am lucky and grateful, I do not have cancer. I will not die from this. There are millions of people who have a much more difficult life than I do. I watched a Netflix documentary this weekend called "When I Walk" about a young man who is diagnosed with MS. It made me feel lucky. I can walk, I don't have a progressive, potentially terminal disease that will rob me of my ability to move my body.
I am lucky. I am smart, I have the ability to get the healthcare that I need. I am not homeless or hungry. I do not need chemotherapy. I am not Robert Durst. (Seriously, has anyone else SEEN that documentary on HBO?)
I will be ok. I will be better than OK. I will be great. I will do something with my life. I may never ever be a mom, and I am no longer a wife. But there are other things I can be.