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Luck O the Irish To Ye!


Freedom10

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Wow - well today marks a big "anniversary" for me. It's officially been a year since I moved out. I think about where I was a year ago today, what I was feeling - how I was thinking - what has happened in the last year. The fact that we are still not done.

 

I wonder how Alan is doing. I wonder what he is going to do today. Is he even in town? Is he out of town on business? Is he thinking about today the way I am or has the anniversary of the end of our marriage completely slipped his mind?

 

Ok enough of that. It is what it is. Forward we go.

 

I met with my OBGYN, the mass that I can feel is a fibroid. I have several pounds of fibroids in, on and around my uterus. The doctor told me that if not treated they will continue to grow.

 

She said there is no possible way I could get pregnant at this point without at least a myomectomy (removal of the fibroids) because there are so many POUNDS of fibroids she said while I could conceive, there could be no attachment because there is nowhere for an embryo to attach- she offered that type of surgery as an option. This means that she would cut out the fibroids.

 

She said that it is a gratifying surgery for her because she takes something that is "not right" and makes it look normal again. She also told me that it is a very bloody surgery and often times because of the severe bleeding involved, transfusions are often necessary.

 

She told me that at some point in my life I am going to have to have a hysterectomy. Even if she does the myomectomy fibroids are likely to grow back. She also said that if I do nothing, I can put it off - but at some point she thinks the fibroids may even change my pant size. Because I can already feel one on the outside it will eventually become visible.

 

Given my age, the fact that even if I met someone tomorrow - I couldn't be a mom for at least year and would STILL need surgery. If I do nothing - I'll need surgery at some point. I guess I'd rather just have it done while I am sort of young and thin, and pretty healthy otherwise.

 

I chose the hysterectomy. I will get to keep my ovaries. The surgery has been scheduled for the 15th of April. I will be meeting with my OBGYN again before the surgery and she has encouraged me to do research and come with questions. I have my pre-op blood work on the 26th.

 

This year has killed me. It has broken my spirit, my goals for my future. My life will not be what I thought it would be.

 

Yes I do know that many women never have kids and lead really fulfilling lives. Not having kids is not the end of the world. I talked about this even before I knew I was going to have a hysterectomy.

 

I told my mom about it. I asked her what she would do if she were me. She said she would not and could not make any decision for me because if something bad happens she does not want to have any guilty feelings.

So what would you do? Am I making the right choice?

 

 

I find myself needing to stop checking facebook because I look at pictures of my friends children and feel jealous, and alone. I do not post on FB about what is going on in my life. I never posted about leaving Alan or the divorce so people who only know me or keep in touch with me via FB have no idea.

 

I am lucky and grateful, I do not have cancer. I will not die from this. There are millions of people who have a much more difficult life than I do. I watched a Netflix documentary this weekend called "When I Walk" about a young man who is diagnosed with MS. It made me feel lucky. I can walk, I don't have a progressive, potentially terminal disease that will rob me of my ability to move my body.

 

I am lucky. I am smart, I have the ability to get the healthcare that I need. I am not homeless or hungry. I do not need chemotherapy. I am not Robert Durst. (Seriously, has anyone else SEEN that documentary on HBO?)

 

I will be ok. I will be better than OK. I will be great. I will do something with my life. I may never ever be a mom, and I am no longer a wife. But there are other things I can be.

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Just wanted to send some {{{{{good vibes}}}}} your way.  Sounds to me like you have made the right decision.  I know some have horrible issues with fibroids as they get older.  

 

Have you ever thought about adoption?  I am adopted and I think I turned out pretty good ;)  Just an option.  Some avenues can be costly, but might be worth checking out.  A co-worker of mine started out wanting to foster children - and she did, but adopted the first child she got.  I know you are single...so is she and still has her career.  Food for thought!!

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Concerning your fibroids, without risking TMI let me just tell you that you are very fortunate that you have had no ill effects from them.  I do, and it's miserable.  My doctor has told me the same thing about the fibroids growing back and you don't know what rate they will grow.  Let say that you have them removed, meet someone and decide to have a baby.  By then, you could be back in the same situation you are today.   So I do think you are making the correct decision to go ahead with the hysterectomy. 

 

I am so sorry you are having to go thru all this, but you are right - you will be better than OK!

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Best wishes to you on making this difficult decision and your upcoming surgery. Lots of women can't carry a baby but have their own child through a surrogate. Is that an option you'd want to discuss with your doctor?

 

You have come a long way in the last year. You were in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage a year ago. Now you are on your way to better health and much happiness in the future. {{hugs}}

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Best wishes on your decision....you'll make the best one for you, I'm sure.  I'm sure that it can't be easy.

 

(sidenote:  thanks for mentioning "When I Walk" -- I was dx with MS almost 15 years ago -- and your comment about not having a progressive disease that could potentially rob you of your ability to move your body -- is one of the things that has kept me going these past 15 years.  I'm going to and watch the documentary over the weekend -- whenever I get into a funk, for whatever reason -- finding something that puts my life into perspective helps)

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Hugs. I'm so glad you spoke to your ob & to your mom!!

 

Also, let me tell you--I'm glad you aren't one of those whiney "poor me, look at me" fb people who share way too much!! (smile--that was supposed to make you laugh. And I am serious!!)

 

I can't wait for another year to go by & to hear all of the good things that are going to come your way. You have overcome so much in one short year. We don't know the future, so never say never on being a mom. A biological mom, ok, say never. Done. Now moving on!!

 

Big, big hugs. You are strong & doing great. Keep up the good work (& seeing your therapist & your attorney!!)~

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I'm glad you're doing well. You are light years ahead of where you were last year.

 

I do have to correct you on a serious error in your post.

While I am in awe of a woman's body, especially during pregnancy and childbirth. This is not necessary to make someone a parent.

I, myself, was born without a uterus (quite the opposite, like half of those around you).

This has not hindered me in the slightest in being the most awesome parent on the planet. While I have serious objections that anyone could beat me, I would appreciate your challenge.

 

As a white haired old biddie, you will look back. Your uterus-less-ness (yes that's officially now a word, say it three times fast) will be a noteworthy obstacle to overcome. Motherhood will hold larger and more difficult challenges than this. You will rise and overcome these too.

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I'd like to tell you about my two kids.  I love them so much.  Just thinking about my 10 yo DD and how brilliant she is and how funny just makes me smile.  She and I have a shared love of all things English history and we're taking her to London this summer.  DS (1.5 yo) is so full of energy and loves to bark at the neighborhood dogs when we go for walks. He's upstairs whooping and playing now.

 

Everyone comments that DD looks just like me and DS looks just like my DH.  -  DD is my step-daughter and DS was adopted.  

 

Parenting comes in all different ways.  

 

My mom (actually my step-mother) didn't have my little brother until she was 43 and my dad was 45.  Now my baby brother is in his 20's and is a Marine.  They just got back from visiting him in Hawaii and spent the week swimming and scuba diving.  He keeps them young.  

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Fight for getting that divorce done though!  Once that is finalized I think you'll start feeling like you're really getting traction on moving forward.  

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Are there kids around you who need your love?  I'm sure there are.  A friend's kids, a siblings, etc.

 

I have some nieces and a nephew who need to have me as a loving aunt, whenever I can I spend time with them not yelling.  They need to see that some adults love them without yelling.

 

The world needs people who are not parents just as much as it needs parents, for many different reasons!  Adopt, or don't.  Marry someone who already has kids, or don't.  Mentor, or don't.  Your life is still worthwhile and meaningful.

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Coming from one who suffered debilitating pain and sometimes sheer embarrassment from consequences of fibroids, a hysterectomy was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

If it is meant for you to be a parent, you will be. The important thing to focus on is to get this behind you.

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Thank you all - Katiebug I'd love to connect with you to find out what your experience with the hysterectomy was like. What is recovery like? Is there anything I can / should plan for and get now that will make recovery easier? Does it hurt so much that you literally just spend a few days on the couch? I saw this thing on HysterSisters that was a "support band" that you put on around the incision to support it. Do you really need one of those things?

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Freedom, I haven't had a hysterectomy, but I had 2 c-sections. I can tell you that putting a pillow over the incision when walking for the first couple of days helped. I can see that a "support band" would be similar. I don't know if it actually helped so much as made me feel as if my incision wouldn't open and my insides fall out. As far as pain, I am sure a hysterectomy feels a bit different since the uterus is removed rather than just cut open as in a c-section, but the pain wasn't bad. I think kidney stones were way worse!

 

One important thing is to not stretch or lift too much. It is easy to think "i can do this and be fine" but it is really better to error on the side of caution. Follow your doctor's advice.

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