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And the Universe has given me the bird....


Freedom10

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So I saw the surgeon on Monday. He does not think it is a fatty mass - he thinks it is a desmoid tumor that is attached to my abdominal wall or he said it could be endometriosis as well. But I've never had any health issues as far as that is concerned - I'm always on time and under budget in that arena.

 

I'm not in any pain - nor do I have any symptoms of any sort. It does not hurt to press on it. But it's probably some fatal and very expensive tumor.

 

Awesome. Totally Awesome...

 

I started googling desmoid tumors - and then I stopped. I don't need to know anything about it - I just need to get rid of it.

 

SOOO. I am going to have a CT scan with contrast. I've never had any kind of medical test like that before. The surgeon's nurse is supposed to call me in the next day or two in order to schedule it.

 

Yup. I finally get the courage to leave (it's been over a year now) and I'm STILL not divorced - and now I may have some cancerous growth - AWESOME. Brilliant - AMAZING...

 

So now I'm thinking - wow - if I had stayed - money would not be a worry for me - heck we could have paid for the surgery in cash if we had to. Now all of my money goes to doctors and lawyers.

 

I could not have better luck. You people are going to start thinking I'm not real - that I'm some sort of internet troll - god I wish I were. But I'm not. This is what my life has come to - and it SUCKS.

 

So - I went for lunch with a coworker today and spent the entire time daintily wiping under my eyes with my napkin while I told her what the doctor said. The surgical nurse still has not called me back and I REALLY WANT THIS SCHEDULED AND DONE. It feels like my ENTIRE life is the hands of someone else. Waiting for my lawyer to write the papers - waiting for my doctor to cut me open.

 

I can't tell you how much I just want to go to my favorite little bar tonight after work and get a stiff drink - and put on some music and dance myself sick. But I won't - that costs money that I need to send to either my attorney or my surgeon - and drinking is not exactly healthy.

 

I just want forward momentum - in a HAPPY direction. That's all - just forward momentum in a happy direction.

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Wow, you're making a big leap from a tumor to fatal cancer.  The CT scan isn't that big of a deal and most tumors are removed with laparoscopic surgery.

 

Won't your insurance cover most of the medical bills?

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Darlin' - you gotta relax.

 

When I was 17 years old I went in to a local military hospital for an army physical because I was trying to go to Westpoint.  Some of the tests came in funny so they ran a few more tests.  At 4 o'clock they told me to call my parents to bring me an overnight bag and to get to the hospital ASAP.  I was going to be their first surgery in the morning and everyone else was bumped.  I asked why I couldn't just go home and make an appointment with my doctor.  Nope.  My ovarian cancer was too far along.  This was an emergency.  (My parents handled it very calmly.  I didn't realize at the time that my dad had locked himself in the bathroom that evening and cried.)

 

I was medically disqualified from joining the Army so that dream was gone.

I spent the last half of my senior year of high school and that summer doing chemo and being sick and bald!

I would never have children that were biologically my own. 

I didn't know if I'd even get to start college in the fall because I might still be doing chemo.

 

I was sad and scared.  

 

At the time I wouldn't have thought my life was moving in a happy direction.

 

I'm now 33.  I've got two great children - neither are biologically mine -  but I don't care a bit.  I think they're better than my genetics could have produced! 

I got my engineering degree and now I own my own company.  I love what I do even if I'm not a military engineer.  

 

 

Just because life doesn't give you what you think you deserve doesn't mean it isn't going to turn awesome anytime!  

 

Don't get discouraged.  

 

((HUGS))

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Endo normally doesn't affect the timing of your period. You can be very regular, have no symptoms and still have endo.

 

Honestly, when you started writing about the mass you had, I immediately thought ovarian cyst related to endo, but didn't want to be an internet doctor.

 

My friend went to her doctor about a abdominal mass two years ago and was told it was probably a hernia. When they finally did the pelvic ultrasound they found a grapefruit sized cyst on her ovary. Another friend had a cantaloupe sized one.

 

Did this surgeon do a vaginal ultrasound? Have you seen a gynecologist regarding this?

 

I actually think if it's a endo/ovarian cyst that may be better thing...it means you likely won't have to have major abdominal surgery, just a minimally invasive procedure.

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(((HUGS))) Waiting sucks and it seems like you have been doing a whole lot of waiting recently. As you said, you have been waiting for the attorney  and now you are waiting on tests.

 

To me, the NOT KNOWING is the worst. I can handle anything if I know what it is but my mind wanders all over the place and I always think the worst so I am prepared as best I can be for it. 

 

I think Amy's life shows that things can be scary and bad and then good will come. On the off chance that it is something awful, we are all here for you and will rally around you (that is true no matter what). 

 

Try to relax a bit. I would call the nurse tomorrow if you haven't heard from her by early afternoon (that is just my impatience and need to feel as if I am doing something). The sooner you schedule the tests and get the results, the better as you can make a plan. 

 

As for if you had stayed with Alan, sure you could have paid for the surgery, but I don't know that he would have given you the emotional (or physical) support that you need. It isn't all about money. Don't you have insurance? The max that you should have to pay is your deductible and incidentals if it is really a huge bill. Worst case, you end up making payments for a long time. I would be happy to make a payment on a medical scare because it meant that I was still alive. (I did have a medical scare the year after taking FPU and we met our max out of pocket with the ambulance ride and ER/hospital stay. I ended up needing quite a few tests that year but it was all covered since I'd met my OOP expenses.) Maybe this will be a good year for you to follow up on additional medical items that you haven't wanted to do because of the expense (if you have any).

 

Again, HUGS to you. Try to schedule your tests ASAP and keep busy until then. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 

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So sorry to hear this. Everything is hitting you all at once not giving your brain any time to catch up and think. Hang in there, take care and great big hugs!!!

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yes I do have insurance.  I picked the silver plan at work - 750 deductible and then 80 / 20 with a max of 3,500.  So I will be ok.  I'm going in for the CT in a couple of hours.... 

 

This is all going to work out right?

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