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Anxious - possible temp work changes

Gelly

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I mentioned semi-recently that there's been an opportunity presented to me at work. There's a large scale project underway in Seattle and they need help from engineers in the surrounding areas for about 2 months. Having worked here less than 2yrs and realizing what a good experience this could be for me, I volunteered. Not only can I learn quite a bit more about my job, especially more of the technical aspects of it, it's also a good way for me to step up to the plate (and hopefully score another raise this year or work on climbing the corporate ladder, heh)

 

Since the opportunity has been presented, I've talked with DH and my boss, and I decided that I would only want to do it if I was able to stay overnight in Seattle during the work week. The commute (although paid for by the company) would be about 2hrs each way. Boss agreed that length of commute is not good for anyone, and that they would put me in a hotel. Me and one other female engineer are the only ones who have volunteered (out of about 12 of us in the region). Both of us are far enough away from the city that the company would put us in hotels. She has about 5 years experience as an engineer here. I don't know if they have to decide on one of us, or if they plan to utilize us both, or what is going to happen exactly. I am anxious to hear their decision! Not only do I love being in the city, it would be a decent opportunity to learn and save some money in the budget while doing so. I wouldn't see an increase in pay for this work, but I would be saving in some ways: Would only be using my personal car on the weekends, cutting the gas budget significantly back as I am the major fuel consumer between DH and I, having the longer commute to work. I'd be in a company vehicle during the workweek. I'd also be putting my Boot Camp gym membership on hold and packing food/eating out of the hotel.

 

I don't know, whatever happens I think I'll be happy with the decision, but I feel a change in pace would be exciting ;)

 

 

Counseling for DH and I went great again yesterday. Well, it was very heavy on DH's issues this visit and it was almost like I was the 3rd wheel for parts of the time. The therapist and DH kind of had it out for a minute. We were bringing up things that trigger arguments, and DH brought up the time he had discovered on my laptop (which I owned before we met) all of my photos in it that go several years back and was super upset about it because there were photos containing exes. This happened about 2mos ago. I tried to tell him that I don't hang on to them because I miss them, but because they are pictures of me in various times of my life and I still want those memories. It's my LIFE. In photos. Going all the way back to 2008! Regardless, ended up as a huge problem. He was pissed that I wasn't sorry for still having possession of them and wasn't immediately offering to delete them or something. He went through and deleted all of the photos that contained any male figure - even photos I had of me with my gay coworker and such, DH didn't know him so he assumed the worst. I was just thinking - whatever it takes to get him over it..

 

He told the therapist about this and she looked at him in disbelief and was like "Really? That is such an invasion of your wife's personal property" [or something], and he got M-A-D. He was saying "how would you feel if you saw pictures of your husband with XYZ ex" and arguing with her. It didn't work, because SHE's the doctor not him, and she told him so. Basically she told him that was a huge intrustion on his part and that his jealousy is HIS problem, not mine. Luckily, by the end of the session DH was calmed down and OK. A lot of things we covered seemed to be labeled "his problem, not mine".. NOT that I don't have things I need to work on; it was just pointed out that I can't fix his problems, and he is realizing this more and more. He apologized last night for deleting all of my photos, and this morning he suggested that he start going in for individual counseling. I am not sure if after next week's group session we will be encouraged to keep it up or if it will just be DH from there on out? And then also this morning, he told me that he thinks I'm an amazing woman, and this is not something he just will up and say to me any day of the week. I asked him what came over him, and he said it's because he knows how much I've had to do do deal with him over the years.

 

I really do appreciate his recent efforts, and I have been working on my part which is "not running away" when we butt heads. He hates it when I do, and that is my coping mechanism as I don't like being in that uncomfortable environment. I've found that even just staying in the room where he is when he's upset, even if I am silent and just *there*, he prefers that to me walking away to do laundry or dishes.

 

Well, that got pretty long. I guess I have a lot to ramble about. TL/DR version: Loving the counseling sessions & waiting for work to give me an answer. ha! (also waiting for: DH's W2, my paycheck, final bills from the Doctors clinic....)

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It sounds positive on all fronts. :) 

 

Acknowledging you in that way was a big deal for him and I am glad that you took it as such. I hope the therapy continues to help him as the more secure that he becomes, the more your relationship will grow. His reaction to those photos sounds like something a younger person would do with a new relationship that they were insecure about. I wouldn't have gone that far, but there was a time about 20 years ago that I was young and insecure in my relationship with my DH (we lived together at the time). Time and talking cured it. I also had some trust issues that I brought into the relationship that had NOTHING to do with DH (prior boyfriend issues) but poor DH put up with it and I grew. :)

 

I say all of that because it sounds like your DH may have similar issues. It is not fair that you have to put up with it, but just keep reassuring him. Hopefully, he will grow through it and realize that you are not past girlfriends.

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Glad things are starting to come together.  I know for us therapy has shined a light on all of the personal issues we brought into our marriage.  Prior relationships and even family relationships caused severe problems and kept us from growing into a mature couple.  Communication is key and some of us are better at it than others.  

 

I would say though that the pictures issue would have been a sore spot with me as well.  However, I have dealt with infidelity and the insecurity that comes from that betrayal.  I have learned a lot, but one thing was compromise.  If something is making me uncomfortable, DH and I need to compromise on how it should be handled.  Even though pictures on a laptop are not a problem, we have had issues with cell phones and their use.  We have come to an agreement on certain aspects of that and we both are on the same page now.

 

I hope you never get into our situation, I hope no one does!  But please be sympathetic to his issues and help him work through them.  Something in his past is causing the insecurity and your reassurance will go a long way to helping him move past that.  Being a united front against all outside forces has been very important to my recovery.  It is an ongoing process, but I feel I am moving past the insecurities I have had for many years that caused me to pull back when I should have been opening up.

 

Best wishes to you both!!

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Wow, that photo issue is unbelievable. I'm so glad your in therapy. That's a major control issue. I was at a conference with a marital therapist. He asks the room the incredibly uncomfortable question: is there anything you could not forgive? It's really a strong way of confronting our own demons. But the question doesn't come out of the blue. You probably recently swore infront of God and your 200 closest friends the answer to that question. It warrants a little bit of exploration to that list of exceptions you guys may be harboring.

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Was paid today and sent the normal payment + snowball to VISA! The balance is now $3,899.76, we made it UNDER the $4k mark!!! Can't wait to update our balance with Doctors Clinic as well. We got a new bill pretty recently that I will have to update into my signature, for the anesthesia for DH surgery..

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