*Background. My son is autistic. He is an aggressive self harmer who will do anything he can to hurt himself and if you stop him he will then try everything he can to hurt you. He has already given himself brain damage and now has a violent hand tremor from his head slamming behavior.
Today was his first day at a special needs daycare. The medical social worker and behvioral therapist thought it would be good for him to go for 6 hours twice a week. It was meant to be a warm up for the private autistic preschool we are putting him in in April when he turns 3. You know get him used to the whole "going to school" thing.
They made it 15min before the first call that they needed to use his helmet because he was self harming. Then at one hour they called to tell me he is too extreme and that I needed to come get him. They were unable to handle him there and asked that we not bring him back.
I am just broken emotionally. This is my baby. To hear that not even trained professionals can handle him? I cried the whole way to get him (40min) then held it together while picking him up (my face was a mess they could all tell I had been crying) then cried most of the way home. I am crying NOW and it has been almost 2 hours.
Spiritually I am so angry. I am angry at God. I am angry that my baby is going through this. I am angry that He would do this to my son. I am at a place where I hate autism and I hate God for doing this. I don't see the good I don't see the hidden blessing. I don't see why. All I see is a sweet smart little boy who can't be with others, who tries to hurt himself, and who is so uncomfortable in his skin that he is miserable.
I can't stop crying. I am just broken. I can't do this but I don't have a choice. There is no cure there is no magic answer. This is my life and I don't know if I can do this. I love that little man so much and it just rips my soul apart to see him hurting. I want to make it better and I can't. All I can do is push for more people to try and help him only to have them throw their hands up and say he is too extreme and that they can't handle him.
We both need some prayers for sure.