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Ending the Holiday Madness

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I'm back and everything is different!

Wow - It's been a while and a lot has happened - actually - everything that could have happened has indeed happened.   I can't stay on long - but here is where we are:   I moved into my own two bedroom apartment in December of 2015.   In Feb of 2016 I was laid off after 10 years.   I freaked out - totally freaked out. Got very depressed - got suicidal - wanted to simply not be anywhere anymore - no job, no husband, no divorce, no friends - it was a really crappy three months - like real

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

I'm moving

I've decided to move out of my roommate's condo.   Perhaps it's not the greatest financial decision - but it won't be too much more expensive.   I just NEED NEED NEED NEED my own place. I can't continue to live out of one bedroom. My mental health depends on moving on.   I signed a lease for eight months which will end in August - hopefully I can transition directly from my apartment to a house because with any luck at all the divorce will be over by then.   I signed a lease on a two bed

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Feeling better for now

Well, I think I'm feeling better for now. I'm already worried about the holidays and a little depressed about them if I'm honest.   I'm just so ready to be done with this so I can move on with my life - but I can't change what it is and I can and should use this time to improve my situation as best I can and prepare for what I'm going to do as soon as the divorce is final.   First this is first - go out to dinner with some friends to celebrate the new chapter of my life.   Then I'd like to

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

All I can do now is wait...

So yesterday was our second court date - at least it was supposed to be.   A girlfriend went with me - we arrived really early and sat outside the courthouse smoking - as we did my ex walked passed us and into the building.   Anyway - I check in with the Baliff and sit down - a few minutes later my lawyer comes to me and says that while they are there - they do not have all of the financial information that they were required to provide soooooo.........   Continuance.....until...........

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Little by little

So, I'm trying to actively incorporate better things in my life. Someone gave me a running leash. You clip it around your waist and it clips to the dog - there is a handhold and it has a little stretch to it. She wasn't able to use it to run with her dog, so she gave it to me.   I took Levi out on two runs with it and it works really well! I like it and I think he really likes it too. We did two miles each time. I have to send her a thank you note.   I went to my first AA meeting. I picked a

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Had Court Yesterday

So yesterday was my first pretrial hearing.   It was a very different experience for me.   A girlfriend of my mine went with me, she picked me up at home and drove me down to the courthouse. My biggest anxiety was seeing him again.   I saw him - we didn't make eye contact - we didn't say a word to each other. Isn't it sad that so many years of companionship end like this?   So, our lawyers got up and each explained the simple background of the case. His lawyer lied. As in lied. She said

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

I'm going to see a dr.

That's it - I've broken down - I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today at 3:30.   Of course this psychiatrist is NOT part of my health insurance plan. I called, and looked and searched for someone in my plan. There were a couple - but they are for children only.   I will state this once and now - we need to make mental health care as readily available and affordable as physical health care. I've never looked for mental health care before- and it's ridiculous that it is SO EXPENSIVE a

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Moving forward

So my ex replied via his attorney - he answered the filing and I now have to fulfill a "Request for Production of Documents". You know what's weird? All of these legal documents are simply "textbook and fill in the blank." - I don't understand why attorneys do not take the time to tailor these documents to the specific case, and get this stuff out of legalese.   I would consider myself to be of average intelligence, and am myself a writer so I should be able to understand these documents witho

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Had a good weekend!

So, I got a bunch of stuff done this weekend - but I might have paid some stupid tax.   I had a storage unit that I opened in December when I moved my stuff out of the house. I've been working on cleaning it out. I FINALLY did that yesterday!   I rented a small truck from U-Haul - the stupid tax part is that I paid the 14.00 for the "insurance" without thinking that my car insurance would probably have covered it. I didn't think about that at all until I told my friends who had come to help

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Difficult to find a doctor

This is amazing. I'm trying to setup an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have gone to my insurance website and looked up approved doctors on my plan.   I have called THREE - (3) people and left messages - I have heard back from no one. I'm wondering if I should call my GP and get a reference or something. I had no idea this would be so difficult.   In other news. I broke down and took advantage of Amazon Prime - I bought a 7" Fire HD. I'm really excited about it. It'll be great to use to w

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Sick of the Rain!

Holy COW!!! I live in the Midwest and we've had nothing but rain for the past 6 weeks. I mean it - I've counted three nice days in the last month.   Luckily, there has been no major flooding in my area, but if it keeps up like this I imagine lots of basements will get flooded. The ground is saturated and there is nowhere for more water to go.   Having Levi in this is also interesting. Working from home I can usually get him out for a walk before it starts to pour. He'll also go outside for p

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Very, very depressed

Well, it is official - one step further along I suppose. The papers have been filed and the restraining order was signed by a judge. My lawyer sent me the signed paperwork today.   This means that my ex can't do anything with our money - so far - the honor system has seemed to work. But now I don't have to check or worry about it.   It just sucks that it had to come to this. It sucks that I don't have ANY family - it sucks that I'm all on my own. I miss my in-laws. I miss my old life - I mis

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

TGIF!

And not a moment too soon! This has been a roller coaster of a week, and I've got a ton of stuff to do this weekend that I'm looking forward to.   1) I'm borrowing a pickup truck on Sunday and I'm cleaning out my storage unit. The payment is due Monday if I want to rent for another month and I can't see the point in giving them another 80.00.   The only things that are left are a large leather couch - (which I have been given permission to put in the basement game room) a desk and a working

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

I got the paperwork today...

My attorney put together and sent me the paperwork for filing for divorce. I have to go in to the office tomorrow to sign it. It requires a notary so I will need to go in.   I'm crying like a baby. This sucks - it hurts - it wasn't supposed to be like this. It just wasn't. All of the people I have let down. My in-laws. My parents.   This is the hardest thing (and potentially the dumbest thing) I've ever done in my life. I really and truly hate myself right now. It was not supposed to be like

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

I need a Budget

For the first time in years, I'm in debt. I owe 3,215 to a Credit Card (I know, I know, 1,600 of that is federal tax for 2014. Admittedly, the rest of it was me buying stuff, not as an excuse but in the last year I've had to purchase a lot of necessities that I previously owned, kitchen stuff, and yes, I spent money where I didn't need to. I My credit card charges 10% - it's a USAA card.   I will say that I STOPPED using the credit card 2 months ago.   I owe 1,747.53 in medical bills. I have

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

DR would say I made an irresponsible decision....

Ok - I have to confess - DR would NOT approve of what I did, especially given the fact that I'm in debt for medical bills to the tune of 1,700, plus I have no clue how expensive lawyer fees are going to be, potentially in the several thousands but I went ahead and I adopted a puppy.   I asked my roommate if I could - and she was more than fine with it. Her parents have a dog that stays with us when they are out of town.   I realize that this is a "lifelong" commitment. That I'm going to have

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

I'm Back!

Hi Everybody!   Six weeks ago yesterday was my hysterectomy - I am back in the office today and have not touched a computer since April 15th.   So I'll give you all the run down.   April 15th - my friend took me to the hospital - I was scared out of my mind as it was my first (and hopefully) only surgery. As soon as they gave me the happy drugs I was good to go. The surgery went well. I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy and my surgeon also took one of my ovaries because it was so encased

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Life on a seesaw

As the title announces, I'm on a seesaw, but I'm trending toward the lighter side of it.   I'm 2 weeks and 1 day out from surgery. No further ahead on the divorce front though. I really, really want to hear back from them. I hate that he is holding this up. If I don't get a reply in the next couple of weeks I'm going to go ahead and file. There is NO REASON this has to take a year and a half to complete.   I did my taxes last night - owed 1,600 federal so I paid that. I'll get 200 back from

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Pre-Op / Counseling / and Anger

Today I go in for my pre-op tests (blood test etc) I've never had surgery before so I have no idea what exactly this entails, but I suspect it'll be pretty standard.   I am meeting with my counselor beforehand. (it simply worked well with my PTO).   Big mix of emotions regarding this.   Some folks say to fight and keep my fertility at least until I'm 45, others say the hysterectomy is the right decision. The thing I keep coming back to is that I'm 40, I'm single for the foreseeable future,

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Choosing Happiness

Yesterday after grocery shopping I went to visit a friend of mine. She is 35 (I'm 40 btw) she has never been married and is not in a LTR now.   She said that if she were me she would do anything and everything she could to keep her fertility. She said that being 40 does not mean I can't have kids - she said that she would wait another 5 years before undergoing a hysterectomy.   That's the problem with opinions, everyone has one.   I think I'm still going to stay with my plan.   I also th

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Luck O the Irish To Ye!

Wow - well today marks a big "anniversary" for me. It's officially been a year since I moved out. I think about where I was a year ago today, what I was feeling - how I was thinking - what has happened in the last year. The fact that we are still not done.   I wonder how Alan is doing. I wonder what he is going to do today. Is he even in town? Is he out of town on business? Is he thinking about today the way I am or has the anniversary of the end of our marriage completely slipped his m

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

Good News Bad News

Well I got the results yesterday. There is no cancer and for that I am incredibly grateful. The mass we can feel did not show up on the CT scan, this is good news because the surgeon says that may indicate that it is indeed a fatty mass.   The bad news is that I have a serious, serious - problem with fibroids - to the point where they recommended a hysterectomy as soon as possible. They made an appointment for me with my OBGYN for today. They have sent the results of them to her. The sur

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

CT scan at 3:00 EST today

I got a call from the Surgeon's office this morning and am going in for a CT scan with contrast today at 3:00. I'm really really really really really really nervous.......   It's going to be ok - the only thing I'm really worried about is the IV. I pass out over needles. But I can do this. I won't look, I'll think about my favorite things - and it's all going to be ok.   The worst part right now is that I can't drink anything - not since 11:00 today.   I could really use your prayers

Freedom10

Freedom10

 

And the Universe has given me the bird....

So I saw the surgeon on Monday. He does not think it is a fatty mass - he thinks it is a desmoid tumor that is attached to my abdominal wall or he said it could be endometriosis as well. But I've never had any health issues as far as that is concerned - I'm always on time and under budget in that arena.   I'm not in any pain - nor do I have any symptoms of any sort. It does not hurt to press on it. But it's probably some fatal and very expensive tumor.   Awesome. Totally Awesome...

Freedom10

Freedom10

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